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Body Language – Series 2 – How to Spot a Liar

 

I know that I’ve covered this  subject in my first Body Language series, however, as it was one of my most read posts I didn’t see any harm in re-capping and adding some more information. 

 

It seems that so many of us are interested in knowing what to look for in order to spot a liar and there are very clear tell tale signs if we know what to look for. 

Why do we lie?

We are programmed to trust, it’s one of the evolutionary skills that we’ve developed as humans, it’s key to our survival and amongst other reasons, we lie to make others like us, and it seems contradictory, but to gain their trust.  We lie:

a.       To make ourselves feel better

b.      To protect ourselves and others

c.       For the hell of it!  Thrill seekers love to lie; it puts them in the limelight and gives them the attention they seek.

When we lie there are certain things that we do that give it away, no matter how we try to cover up our lies, our body language will always give us away.  As I mentioned in my previous post in this series, Body Language & Communication, if we are trying to cover up a lie, our physiology (body language, tone, intonation, facial expressions etc) won't match what we are saying verbally, they will be incongruent, this is known as body language ‘leakage’.  That incongruence is not always immediately apparent, we tend to notice it on a subconscious level which tends to manifest itself in a feeling - a gut feeling that something isn't quite right.

Here are the signs to look out for when trying to spot a liar from what they do rather than what they say – this is the kind of 'leakage' you’d normally see:

1.       Clamping the mouth shut (this can actually be a really small movement, pursing the lips or pressing the lips together tightly) it’s an subconscious attempt to stop the truth from escaping

2.       Covering the mouth with a hand or scarf etc, again it’s an attempt to stop the truth from coming out

3.       We tense up, our body tightens and we look stiffer than usual

4.       We overcompensate for the lie and make very few movements – gesturing is reduced to a minimum in an attempt to control any potential ‘leakage’ of our lie

5.       Eye movements are unwavering and unnatural – often we will avoid eye contact

6.       We adjust/pull down our sleeves as if we have something to hid

7.       We push our tongues out whilst generally keeping our mouth's shut - is a gesture that we use when we are trying to push away a question or a comment that we don’t like.  It comes from when we were babies and we pushed away the breast after feeding.  I saw a great example of this recently on TV.  I was watching The Voice and Will I Am made a joke at Tom Jones' expense, Tom laughed but he did this tongue movement which was a dead giveaway that he wasn’t happy

8.       We tend to lean forward in an attempt to push our version of events on the other person

9.       We shrug, subconsciously disowning what we’re saying

10.   We close our eyes or tend to blink more rapidly in an attempt to separate ourselves from those around us – it’s also an indication that the brain is thinking rapidly, the more you think the more rapidly you blink and your brain will be going into overdrive trying to remember what you’ve lied about, it allows the brain to concentrate more

11.   We hide the palms of our hands or completely keep our hands out of view – people who have something to hide, will always try and hide the palms of their hands, that’s where the term, ‘showing your hand’ comes from, not from playing cards which is a common misconception   

12.   Women can sometimes be seen to flick their hair (if it’s long), which indicates that they are getting a private thrill from fooling people

13.   Cheating partners manipulate to get what they want on their own terms – we tell the most lies at the beginning of a relationship when we think we are least likely to be found out

14.   Liars are masters of repetition, they say the same things over and over again because they don’t have the where wit all to create new facts!

In Summary

Always take notice of your gut feeling, I’ve discussed it before in previous posts, it’s there for a reason, it’s an inbuilt mechanism to keep us safe – if your gut feeling tells you that someone is lying or that something isn’t quite right what someone ... it probably isn’t!

Relationships are always tough and require constant work.  Are there any relationships in your life that could be better?  Contact me for a free no obligation conversation regarding how I can help you.

 

Jo

Body Language – Series 2 – Body Language & Communication

 

When I talk about body language with my clients, many of them find the subject fascinating and it seems that my readers do too, judging from the incredible amount of hits my previous Body Language series is still attracting.  With this in mind, I thought I’d write a new, more in depth series based on what I’ve learned though my own studies and through watching and modelling others. 

In this series I will cover:

·         How to Spot a Liar (part 2)

·         How to Win

·         Power

·         Attraction

·         Love

·         Humour

·         Personal Branding

Our body language tells other people everything they need to know about us (whether we mean it to or not) and therefore, if we can learn to read others effectively, it can greatly increase our influencing skills.  We aren’t always conscious of what our body language is telling the world about us, because even when we try to conceal our true feelings, they do have a way of slipping out without us realising – the technical term for that is body language ‘leakage’.

Our body language is largely driven by our subconscious and therefore, unless we concentrate consciously on what we are doing with our physiology ie our body/face/how we say things - the intonation/tone etc - we have very little control over the signals we are giving out and even when we do try to conceal our real feelings, there will always be a certain amount of leakage.

We know instinctively if someone is lying, if someone is unhappy or happy without them even having to say anything.  It’s an evolutionary, inbuilt mechanism that we have for protecting ourselves.  Often what we say and what we do are not congruent and that’s where mistrust can surface.  We may not even be consciously aware of why we don't trust someone, or don't like what they're saying but it will usually be down to incongruence between words and physiology. 

A great example of this is when we see politicians giving a speech, generally they are trained/coached to within an inch of their lives on how to avoid giving away incongruent messages due to mismatches ie what comes out of their mouths’ doesn’t match what they are doing with their bodies.  However, we simply cannot sustain trying to consciously control our body language for any length of time and that’s where, if you study body language, it becomes quite easy to tell what’s really going on with that person based on their ‘leakage’.

It’s an interesting fact that only a very small percentage (7% in fact) of a message that we give out is down to the actual words we use.  7%, that’s tiny!  The rest is made up of what we do with our bodies and the way in which we say something (the paralinguistics).  Here’s a chart which explains it clearly:

 

When I’m delivering workshops on communication, this is always one of the most surprising facts for delegates.  We generally think that our words are the most important thing, however, we can say exactly the same thing in a number of different ways and each one has a different meaning.  For example:

 

 

Similarly, what we do with our bodies says so much about what we really mean – we can take any of the above statements, place the same stresses on the words  and use the same paralinguistics, but they would mean something completely different again based on what we did with our bodies whilst we are saying the words.  For example, moving forward and into someone’s personal space could be seen intimidating, whereas leaning back with our hands behind our head could mean that we think we are in control. 

It’s the nuances in our physiology that tell us everything we need to know about whether someone is being congruent or not and if you can get into the habit of really trying to read and understand body language, it will massively contribute to your influencing skills and your overall emotional intelligence.  You’ll be able to ‘read’ what the other person is thinking which will allow you to adjust your response in order to get the result you require.  That’s not being manipulative (as some of my clients tell me when I first start to delve into this subject with them) it’s being smart!

Unfortunately, we do tend to overrule our innate ability to read people and go with their words rather than what we observe,however, if we did start to tune into that ability, it really would make dealing with people a lot easier.  We usually get ‘gut feelings’ about someone/what they are saying and whether we consider it to be true or false, sadly we often override those feelings and take more notice of what someone is saying. However, our gut feelings are very rarely wrong; they are an inbuilt, evolutionary defence mechanism to keep us out of danger.

So the next time you are trying to decide what to do based on something someone has told you, or the next time you have to make any kind of decision, go with your gut feeling – it won’t let you down!

 

Influencing others is such a critical skill, not only in business but in our everyday lives.  If you would like to know more about how you can increase your influencing skills, please contact me for a free, no obligation conversation on how I can help you.

Jo

7 Tools for Success

 

Our drive to win is part of who we are it's in our DNA as an inbuilt survival mechanism - competing for food, partners and power is how we've survived and evolved as a species.  Winning unleashes our euphoric chemicals; it releases dopamine making us feel ecstatic, serotonin drops (the chemical we release when we are under pressure/stress) endorphins are released and this causes changes in our physiology, which is why winning feels so good!

 

So what can we do to increase our chances of winning?

 

1.       Hard Graft

10,000 hours is the magical number that has been scientifically proven to produce excellence in a chosen subject and to become an expert. That means 10,000 hours or 3.5 years worth of hard work and practice to become The Best.  It’s said that the Beatles practiced over 10,000 hours during their stint in Hamburg before they became famous.  The theory suggests that innate talent is irrelevant, it’s the practice that makes the difference (to read more click here for access to a BBC article on the subject).  For most of us, 10,000 hours is excessive however, the point here is the more you put in, the more of an edge you’ll have.

2.       Behave like a winner

Behaving like a winner puts the competition off and it’s attractive!  Convince those around you that you’re a champion, walk the walk and appear 100% confident, leave any doubts you have behind.  The more we behave like a winner, the more our conscious and subconscious minds will get used to the idea and we will behave that way naturally.  Winners have a different outlook, they deal with things differently and ask more empowering questions. 

3.       Get in the zone

Have you ever noticed how quickly time flies when you’re in the zone? I notice it particularly when I’m coaching or writing, I’m so completely absorbed with what I’m doing that I have no real handle on time, it simply flies by.  How much easier is it to do things when you’re in zone or another term for it is ‘in flow’ when you seem to be able to magically conjure the resources, thoughts and actions that take you exactly where you want to go? 

If you’re struggling getting into the zone, think of a time when you were, vividly imagine it – see what you saw, feel what you felt and hear what you heard – with a bit of practice doing this exercise you’ll be able to enter that state whenever you need to.  Being in the zone is like canoeing downstream, easy and stress free, whereas not being in the zone is like carrying the canoe on your shoulders up a dry rocky river bed.  Shut off outside influences, close your eyes, concentrate on your gut feeling and get into a positive state.  Have a positive outcome in mind and take clear, focussed actions.  Shut out any distractions and influences.

4.       Stay on target and keep focussed

This will give you the edge; keep checking back on your goals regularly to ensure that you haven’t ended up off-piste.  We sometimes get drawn to the easiest options rather than what we really need to do.  Keeping one constant eye on the goal will ensure that you don’t get distracted.

5.       Visualise the outcome you want

I can’t stress this one highly enough, as I’ve said so many times in other posts, the brain can’t tell the difference between something that’s vividly imagined and something that’s real, therefore the more you can practice visualising the outcome you want, achieving your goal, the more likely you are to achieve it.  Visualisation is THE most important trick to learn in order to win.  Doing something over and over again in your mind will help you to spot and overcome any obstacles, it also stimulates you reticular activator (the part of your brain that looks out for the things that are important to us - click here for more information) and really is the difference between success and failure – it unlocks hidden potential.

Ask any really successful person and they will tell you that in the past they’ve imagined creating their multi selling widget or they’ve visualised running a multi-national corporation or “always dreamed” of owning their own business.  Whatever the scale, it started with a thought and visualising how they wanted their lives to be whether they were consciously doing it or not.

Visualising creates new neural pathways in the brain, when we do something for the first time, we create a new neural pathway – the more times we then do that thing, the deeper the neural pathway becomes and the easier it is to do in real life (not just in our minds), but we don’t actually have to physically ‘do’ that thing, we can create the deep neural pathway by simply vividly visualising the thing that we want to do, be or have.

I always tell clients to visualise things going well for important meetings, interviews, presentations etc the more you visualise something going well, the deeper the neural pathway will become and subsequently, when it comes to the actual event, you brain simply things, “Ah, I know what do it here” and it almost switches to automatic pilot.  That’s why it’s really important to change those negative thought patterns if you’re a worrier, as you’re training your brain and creating negative neural pathways making it quick and easy to go into that 'victim' state and attract negative outcomes.

6.       Have an unshakeable belief in yourself

If you don’t believe you can win, who will?  CONFIDENCE IS KEY and whether you are confident or not will show in your body language irrespective of the words you use.  If you don’t feel confident, people will know no matter how hard to try to cover it up.  Use visualisation to create the most fabulous version of you possible and keep running that picture. 

 
7.       Attention to detail
 

Being obsessive about the detail can be a good trait when it comes to winning.  It enables you to ensure that no stone is left unturned and that you have considered every avenue, dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s thereby greatly reducing any risk. Most of the most successful people will say that they are control freaks and obsess over detail; it’s what sets them aside from being mediocre.

Summary

From time to time we are all going to fail, it’s a fact of life, lucky/ positive/ owners don’t stay down for long, they simply take the learning and use it to ensure that it doesn’t happen again.  I’ve found that life is not all about the winning, it’s about the lessons we learn along the way.  If we were to always win, we’d never learn anything.  They key is to not wallow, but to learn and move on quickly and the really great thing is that losing is not terminal; it’s how you react that makes you a winner.


Developing a winning attitude is crucial to success. Is there an area that you would like to concentrate on in order to give yourself that winning edge? If so, contact me for a free, confidential, no obligation chat about how I can help.

Jo

Listen More, Talk Less

 

It never ceases to amaze me how much of their inner most thoughts and feelings that my clients are willing to tell me.  At least a couple of times a week I must hear, “I really wasn’t intending on telling you that” or “I’ve never told another soul that”.  So what is it that I do that gets people to really open up to me in a way that they don’t with others?

Well you could say it’s because they’re paying me, but that really will only get you so far – what I do is listen and I don’t just mean that I superficially hear what they are saying, I REALLY listen with very few interruptions (except to ask pointed questions where I want to probe a little deeper).  Listening skills practiced frequently and mastered have massively positive impact on our relationships both at home and at work. 

So few of us really listen to each other, we are usually patiently (or sometimes not) waiting for our turn or our chance to have our say.  When the other person is talking, we aren’t really listening we are formulating what we are going to say next and looking for a good point to interrupt and get our point across.  Have you ever been around someone who continually interrupts?  Of course you have, it’s annoying and really quite frustrating and you don’t usually want to be around that person for long.  It can make you feel undervalued and that you’re opinion doesn't count. 
 
What happens when you actively listen to someone is they feel valued and that their views matter, as a result they will open up to you in ways you probably will never have thought possible.

Here I've listed five techniques that will help increase your listening skills if used frequently:

1.   Use positive body language

Your body language speaks volumes about whether you are interested in what another person is saying or not.  You need to appear interested by looking at the person and making eye contact.  Subtly mirror their body language, lean in towards them, nod occasionally to show that you are interested and engaged.

Closed body language (arms/legs crossed), hands in pockets and avoiding eye contact are not good listening skills.  They will effectively close the other person down and stop them from opening up to you.  You have to look interested!

2.   Stay engaged

If someone wants to talk to you, stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention.  That means turning off the TV (yes really!), turning your back on your PC, not answering your phone and not checking your phone for messages etc.  There’s nothing more annoying than when you’re trying to tell someone something important and they continue doing something else and they say something like, “Carry on ... I’m listening” they aren't listening, not really.

3.   Resist the urge to interrupt

It can be tempting to finish someone else’s sentence or to try and hurry them along in an attempt to show that you understand what they are saying, but it can come across as rude and denies that person the chance to say what they really mean.  Let them finish what they are saying in their own words.  A top tip to ensure that you aren’t interrupting is to pause a few seconds before you respond.

4.   Ask questions/test understanding

Use open ended questions, one I like to use is, “Tell me ...” people love to be heard, so asking a question in such a way that it makes the person feel valued will help them open up.  Asking appropriate questions will also help to test your understanding of what’s going on so that you don’t make up your own story about the situation.

5.   Neutralise your feelings

We cannot help people when we are judging them.  Don’t just listen with your ears, but with your eyes and your heart.  We don’t have to necessarily agree with what the person is saying, but if we can fully absorb what the person really means, we can respond more thoughtfully.  Most people don’t listen to comprehend; they listen to reply.  Don’t focus on what you’re going to say next, focus on what the person is really saying.

Your task for the next couple of days (should you choose to accept it) is to practise active listening.  Take some extra time to really listen to what people are saying, I think you’ll find it very interesting!

Jo

7 Habits of People Who Don’t Worry

 

Sadly, worry seems to be an ever increasing emotion that I’m seeing more and more.  Clients often say, “I can’t sleep, I’m such a worrier ...” “I worry about everything and I just can’t seem to stop”.  As a result, I decided to look into it a bit deeper to see what it is that non-worriers do that worriers don’t.  Here are a few of the observations that I’ve made:

1.   They Focus on the present

The future hasn’t happened yet and as our brains cannot tell the difference between something that’s real and something that’s vividly imagined, we can relive our worst fears over and over again without them actually ever happening!  Focussing on the present and actions you can take rather than worst case scenarios will help you gain control over the actual situation rather than your vividly imagined one.

2.   They are more willing to take chances

What would you be, do or have if you didn’t worry?  People who don’t worry are free to take more chances because they don’t feel anxious about the outcome.  They have enough faith in their own abilities to know that whatever happens, things will always work out as they are supposed to.

3.   They have a sense of perspective

Because they aren’t projecting into the future, they are firmly in the now and are therefore able to see a situation for what it is, not what they imagine it to be.  Taking this stance is empowering and enables them to make better decisions based on what’s actually happening rather than what they imagine will happen ... often two very different things.

4.   They get to the root of the worry

 

They don’t brew over things, they look at problems in a calm and level headed way.  They find the cause and deal with it in the most effective way possible as quickly as possible, thereby potentially heading off problems before they occur or at the very least, minimising the impact.

 

5.   They have confidence that they can handle anything that comes their way

They learn by their mistakes, look at what they’ve been through in their past and know that they can handle anything.  It’s not that non worriers have fewer problems; they just have a better strategy for dealing with them.  Think back in your life, I’m sure that you’ve overcome some major difficulties and that’s just it, you overcame them and no amount of worrying probably made one bit of difference to the outcome.   

 

6.   They ask the right questions

They ask empowering, enabling questions rather than disempowering weak ones.  They ask questions like, “How can I use this” “What do I need to do to resolve this” “How can I ensure this doesn’t happen again” “What do I need to learn from this”.  I’ve spoken at length in other posts about the importance of asking the right questions click here for more information.

 

7.   They know how to manage their negative emotions

Non worriers know that if a negative emotion surfaces, it means that there’s something that needs to be dealt with and dealt with quickly.  They rarely let negative emotions settle and overpower them.  They know how to manage their emotions, think clearly and get out of any negativity as quickly as possible by asking the right questions and taking positive action.

Are you a worrier, or know someone who is?  Life does not have to be like that; you can take control of your emotions and lead a much healthier and happier life.  For more information contact me at info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk for a free no obligation chat about how I can help.

Stop worrying and start living now!

Jo

7 Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People

 

There are numerous studies that indicate (and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out) that highly emotional intelligent (EI) people perform better not only in their personal relationships, but in all areas of their lives.

Emotional intelligence makes the different between being a mediocre leader and an exceptional one; from living an 'OK' life to an extraordinary one.  We can all think of managers we’ve worked with or people we know who have exceptional IQ (intelligence quotient) but very low EI which makes for conflict, animosity and negativity. 

So where are you when it comes to EI?  Here are seven habits that emotionally intelligent people regularly display:

 

1.   They surround themselves with positive people

As high EI people tend to be of a generally positive nature, they tend to gravitate towards the same (like attracts like).  They like to be around people who are positive, energetic and optimistic.  High EI people tend to dislike being around move Hoovers (people who suck all the positivity out of them) complainers and generally negative people. 

2.   They focus on the positive

Instead of focussing on what’s gone wrong, they focus on the opportunity, how they can make things better and what they can learn from a situation rather than going into Victim mode, “why me?”.  They generally ask themselves better questions and focus on what is within their control.

3.   They are able to set boundaries and be assertive when necessary

In conflict situations, they tend to think before they speak.  They may often be seen as pushovers because of they are usually mild mannered (as a result of being in control of their emotions), however, they are able to set boundaries and assert themselves when necessary.  They manage their time and know when to say no.

4.   They are forward thinking and let go of the past

They are too busy thinking about the future then to dwell on the past.  They learn from past failures and apply that learning to their future endeavours.  They never see failure as permanent or a personal reflection on themselves.

5.   They look for ways to make life more fun, happy and interesting

High EI people know what makes them happy and look for ways to bring that in to every aspect of their lives.  They also get great satisfaction from making others happy and fulfilled, it’s not all about them and they will go out of their way to help others.

6.   They choose how to expend their energy wisely

They tend to move on quickly from conflict and don’t hold grudges.  They learn any lessons quickly and move on.  That doesn’t mean that they are fools and allow themselves to be mistreated; they move on and forget but don’t forget.

7.   Continually learning and growing towards independence

They are lifelong learners, constantly growing, evolving, open to new ideas and always willing to learn from others.  They are not set in their ways or their ways of thinking, they will change their views if another’s opinion makes better sense than theirs.  However, they will always trust their own judgement to make the best decision for themselves.

Emotional Intelligence is so important to our general wellbeing, how we deal with and manage others.  Are there any areas above that you could benefit from working on?
 
If so, contact me for a free, no obligation chat about how I can help.  Email me at: info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk or call 0333 900 7911 now!

Jo