Top 5 Regrets

A friend and client of mine recently posted an article she’d read in The Guardian Online about an Australian palliative nurse, Bronnie Ware, who recorded the 5 regrets of the terminally ill and included them on her blog.  Now, far from being a depressing read, it was actually quite uplifting.

As you’ll be aware if you’ve read previous posts, I attend as many workshops/seminars I can with National and International Transformative Coaches (these guys don’t just do coaching using the GROW model, they go much deeper than that ... they do what it says on the tin, they ‘transform’ lives) and one thing recurring tools that's used to creative positive changes the the participants lives, no matter whose seminar it is, is ‘If you were at the end of your life, what would be your biggest regret and if you could talk to yourself the age you are now, what would you say?”

This is actually really powerful and I often use this technique with my own clients to help them identify what’s important in their lives and what’s not.  It’s also a good start for people who know that they need to make changes in their lives but are unsure what it is they want or where to start.

The top 5 regrets which Bronnie recorded:

1.      I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2.      I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3.      I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4.      I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5.      I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

I’m always promoting the fact that happiness/positivity is a choice and by removing old patterns and habits your life can be immeasurably improved.

Exercise

Project yourself forward towards the end of your life (don’t stay there though!) what things do you think you would regret if you changed nothing?  What would you say to the ‘you’ of today about what you see?

Give it a go.  It’s a really powerful tool to bring you back to the ‘now’ and help identify what’s important in your life and what’s not.  If there are things you need to change, write them down (what gets written down gets done) and do one little thing about each one TODAY!  Big changes start with one small step.

If you would like to discuss this or any other issues I’ve raised in any of my previous posts, I’d love to hear from you.  I'd also like to hear your feedback if you actually try with exercise.

Until next time, I hope you have a wonderful Sunday!

Jo

PS Thanks to Jo.

Top Tips for Dealing with Work Place Bullying

Following on from my previous post, I promised you my top tips for dealing with a bully at work ... in no particular order:

1.   Remember – no-one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you allow them to. Thoughts are just thoughts. That’s all they are. They can’t hurt you. They are closely linked to your emotions, therefore, if you let your chaotic thoughts settle (like the snow in a snow globe), your emotions will settle down too.

2.   Work smarter, not harder. Working long hours can completely remove your ability to think rationally.

3.   Nip any behaviour you think is unacceptable in the bud. Sit down with the person (no matter how hard you find it) and tell them what behaviour you will and won’t accept. I know it’s easier said than done, but when I speak to people who’ve suffered at the hands of a bully, they all, without fail, say that not speaking up when the bullying started was their biggest regret.

4.   Tell a more senior manager, Human Resources or your Union representative what’s happening – whichever you feel the most comfortable with. Jane (the lady from the case study in my previous post) didn’t do that at the time, but she now realises that is exactly what she should have done. She was so frightened of her boss (exactly how he wanted her feel) that she was scared to tell anyone.

5.   I always recommend that you should try and deal with issues informally in the first instance.  However, if it can’t be dealt with informally, then you should raise a formal grievance. It is a legal requirement that every UK company has a formal grievance procedure, no matter how small the company is. Details of your rights under current employment legislation can be found at the ACAS (Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service) website (www.acas.org.uk).  If you do end up resigning from your job (which should be a last resort) and wish to bring an employment tribunal against the company, you won't be able to do so unless you've first raised a formal grievance and given the business an opporunity to deal with your issues. 

6.   Talk to your friends and family about it.  Don’t try to cover it up and pretend that it’s not happening.  The old adage “A trouble shared is a trouble halved” is very true.  They can help you put some clarity and perspective around the issue, something that we tend to lose when we’re in the thick of it.  However, a word of caution - friends and family will tend to just agree with you because they don't like to see you hurt.  Sometimes, speaking to someone impartially can be more beneficial (see 7).

7.   Get yourself a professional coach or talk to someone who is completely impartial who can look at the problem objectively with you and help find positive ways of managing the issue.

8.   Take some sort of inspired action. Be an Owner, not a Victim.

Last year I was asked to cover this topic on a local Radio station.  I was only meant to be on for 10 minutes, however, the station was completely inundated with calls and I ended up hosting a 'call in' which lasted over 2 hours.  This topic completely took over the whole Radio show which just goes to illustrate how prevalent this issue is. 

In summary, resigning as Jane did should always be a last resort. You should never feel forced to leave your job. If you feel that you are being bullied at work by your boss or another colleague, always try and speak to someone in authority about it. Don’t suffer in silence. It can affect every part of your life, including your personal relationships and your health and it’s so unnecessary. Don’t brush it under the carpet in the hope that it will go away, in invariably doesn’t.

 

I hope you find the last couple of posts useful.  If you’ve been affected by workplace bullying and would like to talk in confidence about it, please feel free to contact me.

I hope you have a fantastic weekend.

Jo

The Bullying Boss

I’ve recently been coaching a client who has been the victim of extreme work based bullying. She wanted me to tell her story in the hope that it may help others. I’ve obviously changed names for confidentiality reasons, but can assure you that events are exactly as she told them to me. My client’s name is Jane and this is her story ...

“With over 20 years senior management experience in a number of blue chip companies, I’ve dealt with my share of difficult people. My worst experience was with an ex-boss. He gave me 18 months of real hell. Anything and everything I did was wrong. He wouldn’t listen to me when I gave my (considered) opinion; I was cut out of any decision making; I was ostracised from his ‘inner’ circle … a little click that still makes me feel sick when I think about them. He did absolutely everything he could to discredit me and to make my life as totally miserable as possible.

I decided to leave following ‘a straw that broke the camel’s back’ moment, when I had a supposed ‘formal performance review’ with him and he told me that I wasn’t performing to expectations. I would have had a little more respect for him had he been able to give me examples of where my performance was lacking or if he could he tell me what I needed to do to improve, when I pushed him on it, he couldn’t answer me. By this point, I was totally broken. For 18 months I’d worked crazy hours under the most immense pressure with absolutely no support. I cracked. I just couldn’t take anymore.

I went home that night and informed my friends and family that I was resigning. Incredibly, everyone I told said how relieved they were! They all said (without exception) that they had been terribly worried about me as they could see the awful state I was in, not only because I’d lost a stone in weight and looked absolutely awful, but the fact that I’d all but abandoned them because I was always working. The worse his behaviour got, the more hours I would do to try and prove that I was good at my job!

Looking back, the longer I worked, the less effective and distressed I was becoming, which played straight into his hands. The next day, I went to see him and calmly told him I was resigning as I wasn’t prepared to be disrespected any longer. Strangely enough, I had never felt so calm and I could see he was totally un-nerved. In fact, he went crazy! He was extremely angry, but I wasn’t going to let this man hurt me anymore, so I told him that I didn’t want to hear what he had to say and that I’d made my mind up.

I left very unceremoniously, however, I did receive an enormous amount of cards, e-mails, flowers and other presents from my colleagues that were all totally unexpected. Over the 18 months, my boss had made me feel that everyone hated me and that they would be pleased to see the back of me … not true, not true at all. I had a lovely little leaving ‘do’ with a select crowd. As for my boss? Once I had resigned he suddenly turned very friendly (obviously very concerned about what I would tell people about him). He even left a bottle of champagne with his secretary for me … as far as I’m aware, she still has it!”

Sadly, Jane’s story is all too familiar. Work place bullying is a fact of life, but it doesn’t have to ruin your life. Bullies tend to be bullies for a number of reasons which may be conscious or subconscious:

1.   They feel threatened by you - people often feel threatened by those who they perceive to know more than them or who they think are stronger than them

2.   They are insecure about themselves and their ability and consciously or subconsciously think that you can see through their lack of knowledge/experience

3.   You make them feel inadequate and putting you down, makes them feel better about themselves


4.   They haven't realised that you don't need to bully to get the best out of people!  They were managed by bullying bosses and think that’s the way they should manage. This is usually evident in people who have been promoted to the position of manager because of their technical knowledge and not their people skills.

Sadly the person on the receiving end of bullying rarely sees any of this (which is exactly what the bully wants) and slowly their self confidence is eroded.

In my next post, I’ll give you my top tips for dealing with bullies, but before I go, I’ll leave you with a quote that I absolutely love that sums this topic up quite nicely:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Until next time, have a wonderful day.

Jo

Your Emotions Tell You When You’re Lying to Yourself

I just wanted to share something with you that I learned at a seminar I attended a couple of years ago.  I just recently came across my notes from the day and thought you may find this little snippet interesting.  The seminar was called, “If the Secret’s so great, where’s my Ferrari” run by Jamie Smart of Salad Ltd.  (Incidentally if you haven’t read The Secret and The Power both by Rhonda Byrne, then I highly recommend that you do.  They both seem a little odd and a bit ‘new age’ at first, but I guarantee that if you practice what she says – and it’s very simple – you can make some really astonishing changes in your life).

Well, I’ve found this little bit of information extremely useful and each person I've told it to since has also had an 'ahhhhhh!' moment following it ... a moment of realisation. So here goes ...

Like I’ve said in previous posts, when you say negative things to yourself, it adversely affects your emotions and you may also experience physical symptoms such as a knot in your stomach.  Well, according to Jamie those physical symptons are actually your 'authentic self' (your spirit - your higher self - the non physical part of you, whatever name you have for that essence of you that is intangible) telling you that what you’re saying to yourself is in direct conflict with who you really are.  When I heard that, I thought it actually made a lot of sense.  Those feelings are a a warning that you are not being truthful to yourself and are a sort of 'call to action' to change your thoughts to more positive ones.

Next time you notice that you're beating yourself up and making yourself feel bad, notice that negative physical feeling that you have and know that it's your higher self telling you that you're lying!  Once you start noticing it, change what you're thinking about ... think about someone or something that you really love unconditionally, smile and breathe ... notice how your feelings change and that physical 'knot' quickly evaporates ... go on ... try it ... you'll be glad you did!

See you next time!

Jo

What the Thinker Thinks, the Prover Proves

Have you ever wondered why you can search high and low for something and you can’t find it, just to have someone else find it in exactly the same place you’ve looked half a dozen times ... it was right under your nose all along? The reason for this is that your brain is wired to prove you right –‘What the Thinker Thinks, the Prover Proves’. No matter what it is that you tell yourself, for example,” I can’t find that ...” your brain immediately goes about trying to prove what you’ve just told it.

When I first heard this I thought it was it was possible but it sounded a bit ‘new age’, until I thought about a lovely bracelet that I’d lost. For weeks I had searched high and low for that bracelet ... you know the drill: under the sofa cushions; in the car; under the bed, every place I could imagine having put it and a few that I hadn’t (that was the desperation bit of me) all to no avail. Then I remembered what I had been told about the brain proving what you tell it, so decided to give it ago. I set about looking for my bracelet whilst saying to myself “I’m going to find that bracelet and I’m going to find it in the next 2 minutes”. I walked upstairs, straight to my jewellery box (which I had searched at least 15 times and even emptied everything out at least a dozen times) and low and behold, there it was!

I’ve got to be honest, it did spook me out a bit at first, but I’ve been practicing this now for a couple of years and it never fails me.  Whenever I lose anything, I think “I’m going to find that [whatever the item is] in the next two minutes” and I ALWAYS do, without fail.  It’s fantastic – you’ll never lose your keys, wallet, phone ever again.  You just have to remember to talk in positive terms.

It’s a bit like saying to your child, “Don’t drop that” then what do they immediately do?  They drop it or you say, “Mind you don’t fall” and what do they promptly do?  Fall.  What you have to do is make your sentences into positive ones like, “Walk carefully” “Carry that carefully” – their ‘Prover’ will go about proving what you’ve said ie that they can walk/carry carefully.  Give it a go and see what results you get.  When I tell my clients about this, they are amazed when they see me again.  I’ve had some fantastic stories of how clumsy children have turned into little angels and things that have been lost (and thought to be gone forever) are found.

After analysing it over the last couple of years, the scariest thing that has occurred to me about that is that if my brain has proved that I can’t find something as simple as a bracelet, what else could I be proving to myself? Imagine all the negative things that we say to ourselves...

“I’ll never get that job”

“I’m just not good enough”

“I can’t do/be/have that because ...”

According to this principle, once we tell ourselves something negative, our brain will then go about trying to prove we’re right. Therefore, by the same principle, if we tell ourselves something positive, our brains will go about trying to prove it.

There’s a quote that I’ve always loved that I think sums it up quite nicely:

“Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t – you’re right” Henry Ford

Give it a go ... once you find that item you’ve been searching for, a whole world of possibilities will open up and just think how you can transform your relationship with your kids!

Enjoy your week and happy hunting.

Jo

Victim or Owner?

Are you a Victim of your life or are you an Owner?  According to Steve Chandler, Bestselling Author and International Success Coach, you can pretty much divide the world’s population into two:  Victims and Owners.

So, let’s look at some definitions:

Victims

·        Victims continually moan about their situation but rarely do anything about it usually for one or combination of the following reasons:

o   They don’t want to (yes honestly – some people just revel in negativity)

o   They don’t know that they can

o   They don’t know how to

·        Nothing is the Victim’s fault.  Their situation/whatever’s happening to them is always due to someone or something else eg the government, their mother/ father/ husband/ children / sister/ brother/ boss/ employer/ life!

·        If anything good happens to them, they complain, “well it’s bound to go wrong”

·        Think they’re unlucky

·        Think and say things like “It’s alright for [him/her/them] they’re this that or the other”

·        Believe that nothing good ever happens to them

·        Push issues under the carpet in the hope that they’ll go away

·        Feel sorry for themselves most of the time

·        Think everyone’s out to get them

·        Display negative body language and speak negatively almost continuously

·        People don’t want to be around them and steer clear as much as they can eg I have a ‘friend’ on Facebook and every post she leaves is a negative one; she moans about money, her 2 jobs, the fact that she works 12 hour shifts, her car’s broken down, she won’t get a day off for another 2 months.  Subsequently, people have actively started to ‘de-friended’ her and she can’t figure out why. It’s because no-one wants to listen to continual moaning, it’s just not pleasant to be around, read or listen to especially if the person seems to make no effort to make things better for themselves

·        Are ‘glass half empty’

Owners

·         Take control of their lives

·         Are fundamentally happy

·         Deal with issues as they arise in a positive way

·         See the good in people

·         Don’t take no for an answer

·         Look for the positives in a situation  

·         Keep a positive outlook and think positive thoughts no matter what’s happening

·         Don’t dwell on the negative

·         Bounce back quickly from adversity

·         Look for opportunities

·         Don’t think too much about what other people think of them

·         People want to be around them – they’re fun, give off amazing energy and people gravitate towards them

·         Are ‘glass half full’

So is it that Owners don’t have the problems that Victims have?  Are they somehow miraculously shielded by a Super Hero cape that protects them from anything bad happening to them?  Absolutely not,  they are affected by illness, money issues, family problems, floods, fires, losing their jobs/business, births, marriages and deaths the same as Victims.  So, what is the difference then?  The difference is how they think and feel about what’s happening to them.  The Owner either consciously or unconsciously chooses to think positively about their life and the situations that arise.  That’s it!  That’s all there is.  That’s the only difference.

They are no luckier than a Victim; they just choose to see things in a more positive way and because they have that positive view, they are ultimately much more resourceful.  Their mind isn’t clouded by doubt, sadness, apathy, negativity and therefore they see things more clearly and are able to take positive action.  They view situations without negative emotions which enables them to deal with things more effectively.

If you’ve been reading my other posts, you must be seeing a theme by now.  Thinking positively changes EVERYTHING.  “Oh it’s easy for you to say.  Miss Positivity!” I hear some of you thinking.  Well yes actually, it is easy!   It’s also possible to start to think more positively and move from being a Victim to an Owner even if you’ve had a lifetime of negative thoughts.  I’m testament to that – I used to be unbelievably negative until I realised that I actually had a choice. Now I’m not saying that I’m positive every second of every day, it’s definitely a work in progress, but if I notice any negativity creeping in, I deal with it ... quickly before it takes a hold, using the techniques I’m telling you about.

So how do we actually make that transition from negative to positive, Victim to Owner?  Well believe it or not, you’ve already started.  By the mere fact that you’re reading this means that you are now aware that you have a choice, if you weren’t already aware.  You should also (if you’ve been reading my other posts) be recognising negative thoughts when they occur and hopefully be changing them to positive ones.  If you’re not sure how to do that, it’s much more simple than it sounds:

Positivity Exercise

As soon as you notice a negative thought, think of something you love, a family member, a pet, a sunny day, anything that you love, that makes you smile and gives you a warm feeling inside.  Positive and negative thoughts cannot occur at the same time and therefore one cancels out the other, just make sure it’s the right one!

The more you practise positive thinking, the easier it will be and the better your life will become.  You’ll notice situations aren’t so difficult, people react to you in a much more positive manner, strange ‘coincidences’ will start to happen and you’ll start to feel happier and more contented.  We weren’t born to be sad, unhappy and negative, they’re just unhelpful  behaviours that we’ve learned along the way.  By the same measure, you can learn new happy, positive behaviours to replace them.

Well I hope that’s helpful, if nothing else it should make you think - Are YOU a Victim or an Owner? 

I’ve had quite a lot of questions about coaching recently (especially the style of coaching I use) and what its all about, so I’ll cover in my next post.  In the meantime, if you have any queries or feedback on anything I’ve written, or indeed if you’d like me to cover something in a future post, I’d love to hear from you.

And I'd just like to say a quick thank you to you for your support.  I’m overwhelmed with the fantastic reception I’ve received in my first ‘blogging’ week.

Until next time, as Michael Neill would say (he’s another Author and Success Coach who you’ll be hearing more of as the weeks go on) ... Have fun and learn heaps.

Jo

Managing Your Emotions

I’m sure that you don’t need me to tell you how powerful your emotions are.  We can experience a massive range of emotions from day to day or even hour to hour and they can range from passive emotions such as indifference to powerful emotions such as love or hate.  By that standard, emotions can either be positive or negative.  The difference?  Positive emotions make us feel good, negative emotions make us feel bad. 

So what causes our emotions?  Like I’ve said in previous posts, every emotion or feeling we have starts with a thought and that thought can be positive or negative.  You can’t even get out of bed in the morning without first having the thought to do so.  How we think about a situation triggers our emotions and therefore how we react eg someone says something nice to us, that can elicit a feeling/emotion of joy or love (which is positive) or someone says something nasty to us which can give us a feeling/emotion of anger, upset or hurt (which is negative).  But if you think about it, whatever someone says to us, they are just words.  Just words – remember when your parents used to tell you to shout, ‘sticks and stones my break my bones but words can never harm me’? They were right!  It’s only when we put meaning to words that they produce emotions in us.

It’s the same thing when someone does something nice for us; we often feel a nice warm feeling of happiness and even a sense of belonging.  However, when someone forgets to do something or doesn’t do it to our exacting standards, we feel aggrieved and hard done to.  If you think about it, it actually has nothing to do with what the person has done or not done, but it has everything to do with the meaning we put to their actions.

I had a client last week who was telling me how hurt she was that one of her friends had stopped returning her calls and how upset she was getting about it.  She said her friend couldn’t possibly care about her because of the way she was being and even added, ‘after everything I’ve done for her, I can’t believe she’s treating me like this!”.  As it was quite obviously becoming an issue for her, we discussed what positive things she could do about it/what action she could take to sort it out.  She said that she would ‘have it out with her’ friend next time she saw her. 

I caught up with my client this morning and she told me that she had the opportunity to see her friend over the weekend, when I asked her how she got on, she was very sheepish.  She said that her friend had got a new phone and had forgotten to pass her new number on because she’d been so busy!  My client had put meaning to her friend’s actions (or lack of action) that was nothing to do with reality.

One thing you must remember is that everyone is the centre of their own universe.  If someone doesn’t get back to you, it’s because they’re busy getting on with their own lives.  It’s not because they don’t like, respect, love you.  If someone doesn’t do something the way you thought they would, it’s not because they’re being disrespectful or deliberately out to hurt you, that would probably never cross their mind, that’s the meaning you put to a situation or another’s actions.

On the other hand YOU are the centre of your Universe and therefore, if you are feeling a bit negative, your tendency will be to think that everyone is thinking about you, talking about you, doing things to hurt you.  They aren’t – they’re just getting on with their own lives the same as you are.

OK, so how do we stop these negative emotions?  Firstly, listen to what you’re saying to yourself, if it’s negative; change it (see previous posts for how to deal with negative thoughts).  If you get a negative feeling, stop it and change it into a positive one.

Secondly, put some distance between you and the problem/issue.  If you feel anger rising in you, walk away (where possible).  When anger starts to rise, our body sends out a shot of adrenalin, that goes back to the ‘flight or fight’ reflex we still have from our Hunter/Gatherer days and is what prepares us to either run away from the threat or fight it.  These days, however, we can’t run away from issues or fight everyone, so most of us end up with massive amounts of adrenalin coursing through our veins with nowhere for it to go.  It’s those unused chemicals that cause aggression, stress and if not addressed over the long term, can cause depression. 

So, what can you do if you feel that anger rising?  You must remove yourself from the situation as soon as you start of notice the symptoms (and let’s face it, you’ll know what they are by now – it usually starts with a tight feeling in the stomach which starts to work its way up the chest).  Excuse yourself immediately (even if you look a bit odd doing so, better that than other potential harming consequences) and go to the bathroom or take a walk around the block with help defuse those negative emotions.

Regular exercise is amazing way to help you gain a more balanced perspective on life and to help you manage your emotions, as it helps burn off those unwanted, unnecessary chemicals produced b the flight or fight reflex.  That’s why exercise is often prescribed for sufferers of depression.  It really does help.

Thirdly, manage your breathing.  When we are anxious, angry or unhappy our breathing tends to be very shallow and quick.  Here’s a little exercise that can really help bring some perspective back to a situation and really help to calm you down – you can do this anywhere and it really works:

Breathing Exercise

Take 10 deep breaths – in and out is counted as 1 breath.  These breaths must come from the stomach and not from the chest ie your stomach should extend fully on the ‘in’ breath and contract fully on the out breath – think of the breathing of a baby, they breath from their stomach’s, it’s only as we get older that we tend to breath from our chests.

By the time you get to the 6/7^th breath, physiological changes happen within the body and stress release hormones are pumped into your body which calm you down.  Again, that old adage, “take 10 breaths” when you’re angry is based on fact not fiction.  It really works and no-one needs to know you’re doing it.

I recommend this exercise for all types of anxiety problems and situations eg before giving presentations, before interviews, when you’re feeling particularly stressed, when the kids are driving you crazy – BREATHE!  Your life depends on it and we take it far too much for granted.

Well, that’s it for another session.  In my next post I’ll be talking about Victim vs Owner.  Are you a ‘Victim’ in life or do you ‘Own’ your life?

Hopefully see you soon and remember, constructive feedback is always welcome!

Jo

Managing Negative Thoughts

I hope you enjoyed my first blog post, I’m happy to say that I’ve had some wonderful feedback from it, so that’s an excellent start. Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to read it and give me their opinions.

At the end of that post I said that I’d give you some tips on how to manage negative thoughts and emotions. One issue that my clients often come to me with is that a negative thought floats in to their head and they dwell on it and once they begin to dwell on it, it gets worse and worse and they start to feel more and more upset. One theme that you’ll see running through a lot of my posts is that “WE GET MORE OF WHAT WE FOCUS ON” – if we focus on good things, more good things come. If we focus on bad things, more bad things come. And that’s not some hairy fairy, touchy feely, New Age idea I’ve come up with ... that’s hard, Quantum Physics FACT*. I’ll go into this in more in a separate post, as it’s too big a subject to cover here.

I can illustrate what I mean more clearly by using an example:

One of my recent clients told me that her husband said something in passing to her, nothing that in the cold light of day was really bad it was just a small, throw away comment. However, for some reason, she latched on to it and couldn’t stop thinking about it. Over the next couple of days, she dwelt on it more and more and as she did so, she started to feel more and more upset, until she got to the point where she was so upset and down about it that she thought she must be bordering on depression (she has no history of depression I must point out).

She said the feeling was like ‘walking around with a lid on the world - everything was grey and bleak’. After a few days of feeling like this and letting her husband know (non-verbally) that she was unhappy with him, he asked her what was wrong. That’s when she said she exploded. She said that ‘the rational side’ of her recognised that she had blown things all out of proportion, but the ‘non rational side’ had totally taken over control and she just couldn’t stop it. When she explained to him that she was upset because of a comment he made, he told her that he didn’t mean what she thought he did at all and he was really quite shocked that she’d taken it that way. Once she’d calmed down and listened to him and accepted what he was saying, she felt completely foolish. She said that even when they’d sorted things out, that negative feeling stayed with her for a few days after, she just couldn’t seem to shake it.

I don’t think my client’s story is uncommon. I’ve heard it so many times and experienced it myself – a negative thought pops into your head and before you know it; more negative thoughts are flooding in like a broken dam. However, we do have choices with how we deal with a negative thought once we recognise we’re having one:

1. We can dwell on it until we bring on more and more negative thoughts that make us and those around us REALLY unhappy.

2. We can choose to acknowledge it (it’s only a thought after all, it only becomes a problem when you put an emotion or feeling to it), thank it for popping up and let it go – wave it on by.

3. If you’ve waved a thought on but it still keeps popping up, do something about it. If you get a recurring negative thought, it usually means that there’s something unresolved that you need to take some action on. If you take the action, the thought will usually disappear. The fact that you keep getting that thought is your subconscious mind’s way of telling you that you have something unfinished that you need to deal with.

When I put these options to my client, she just looked at me for quite a while not saying a word, and I’ve got to be honest, I began to worry a bit. Then she broke into a huge smile and started to laugh - she said that she didn’t realise she had a choice! “Well of course you have a choice ... they’re your thoughts after all!” When I asked her what she could have done when she first had that negative thought, she said that she could have talked to her husband as soon as he made the comment and it dealt with it there and then, thereby sparing the whole family a weekend of misery!

The following week, she called me to say how much better she was feeling and how she’d had a couple of negative thoughts, which she’d just waved on by. She’d also had a couple of negative thoughts that she’d waved on, but they came back and she knew they were things she needed to deal with. The outcome? I’m happy to say that she said that she felt like a weight had been lifted and she was feeling better than she had done in years.

Here’s something for you to try, over the next couple of days, watch your thoughts – if you have any negative ones, thank them and wave them on. If they reoccur, do something about them. You’ll be glad you did!

Next time I’ll talk about the power of your emotions, how they affect your life and how to manage them.

Thanks for reading.

Jo

  

* There is a lot of documented research on Quantum Physics and the Law of Attraction, so I won’t go into it here. If you want to know more, I suggest you Google it. There are also lots of good books about it too.

How do you talk to yourself?

  

Have you ever actually listened to how you talk to yourself? Some people don’t even realise they do talk to themselves, their internal voice is such a part of them that they don’t even question it or that they even have it, let alone have control over it. However, every action, every single thing we do or say in a day starts with a thought and that thought, whether we realise it or not comes to us in words and/or pictures, followed closely by feelings.

So if you stopped for a minute and actually listened to your internal voice right now, what is it saying to you? Most importantly, HOW is it talking to you? Is it kind and loving, or nasty and cruel, is it sympathetic or angry, is it positive or negative? Here’s another question, would you let someone else talk to you the way you’re letting your inner voice talk to you?

When I do this exercise with clients, so many of them actually can’t believe how nasty and negative that voice is for example, I was coaching female client a couple of weeks ago who said that her voice was unbelievably nasty and critical. When I asked her to explain the type of things she said to herself, this is some of what she came up with:

“Stupid cow … why did you do that? You’re useless”

“Oh you’re so fat and ugly, why would anyone love you”

“I hate my body”

“Oh my God, can you do nothing right?”

Until I’d pointed it out, she hadn’t realised how horrible she was being to herself. When I asked her:

“Would you let someone else talk to you that way?”

“Are you kidding? No way!”

“So why are you talking to yourself that way?”

“Don’t know, I’d never actually thought about it until you pointed it out!”

The point here being we do have a choice in how we talk to ourselves. So many of us stumble blindly through our day wondering why we feel stressed and upset at the end of it, totally oblivious to the fact that we have a choice in how we think, positive or negative and how we talk to ourselves, positive or negative.

Now that I’ve pointed this out to you, those of you who do speak negatively to yourself will be much more aware and notice that you’re doing so and STOP IT! Do what my client did and think how you’d feel if someone else were saying those things to you and change the negative things into something positive instead. “That’s easier said than done” I hear you say. Well actually, it is easy and this is how you do it:

Changing Negative Thoughts Exercise

Think of one thing you like about yourself and focus on that. If you can’t think of something, think of something positive that you’d like to be, do or have. It really is that easy.

Positive and negative thoughts cannot co-exist. It’s impossible. It may take a little practice at first, but you’ll soon get the hang of it. It may even feel a little strange saying nice things to yourself at first, but by regularly noticing your inner voice and correcting it when it’s negative, you’ll soon (without much effort) notice a much more positive you. In fact, the more you practice it, the more the positive thoughts will become the predominant ones and you’ll recognise those negative thoughts instantly and change them quickly.

People are under the misapprehension that it’s difficult to change the habits of a lifetime, but it really isn’t. That’s just something we tell ourselves in order to feel better about keeping those old unhelpful habits. It just takes a little practice and can make a massive difference in your becoming a happier, healthier you. For those of you who are already positive and talk to yourselves in a positive and nurturing way, great, give yourself a hug mental hug!

Next time, I’ll talk about how to stop negative thoughts taking hold. Clients often say that they dwell on negative thoughts to such an extent that it negatively affects them and their relationships. Until then, I’d be interested in hearing whether you tried the ‘positive inner voice’ exercise and how you found it.

Have a wonderful week.

Jo