It's All About The Rules

 

Have you ever wondered how you can have exactly the same values as someone else, but yet you still come into conflict?  The reason for this conflict is often down to a ‘rules’ difference.

For example, I have a client who came to me because he just wasn’t getting along with his wife and it was causing problems at home and consequently he was talking his problems in to work with him.  When I started to ask about his values, he said that growing up ‘respect’ was a number one value in his household and to be respectful of others you would never raise your voice or argue, if you felt disagreed with someone, instead of getting outwardly angry you would just walk away.  They were the ‘rules’ within his family when he was growing up.

Now when I asked about how his wife feels about respect as a value, he said that she also saw it as one of her highest values and so he just couldn’t understand why they had so much conflict.  I asked him what happens when they disagree and he said, “She just wants to stand and argue about it until we sort it” – I pointed out to him that they both have the same ‘value’ ie respect, but that their rules around that value are different!  I urged him to values and rules with him wife and to come up with some of their own that they both felt were appropriate.

At the next session, he said the transformation was amazing.  He no longer felt like he was treading on egg shells and the relationship with his wife was going from strength to strength.  As a result, he was feeling much calmer and in control in work too and when he came into conflict with someone, he would figure out their ‘rules’ and was much more able to find a mutually acceptable solution.

Once we can start to see that we have different rules and let’s face it, none of them are ‘right’ they are just a jumble of thoughts, processes and programming that we’ve picked up along the way from our parents, teachers, peers etc which we adjust as we go through life.

So if you find yourself in conflict with someone, check their values – if they values are the same as yours and you’re still in conflict, it’s likely to be a ‘rules’ issue.  Work together and agree a new set of rules and see what a difference that makes to your relationships, you may uncover some interesting things about yourself and others along the way!

If you’re having any issues establishing what your values are or how to change your rules, please contact me for a free, no obligation conversation on how I can help you: info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk

Jo

Are You Scared of Public Speaking? Do You Suffer from Social Phobia?

 

Recently I have more and more clients coming to me due to their fear of speaking in public, whether it be giving a presentation as part of a job interview, standing up in front of their whole company to feedback company stats or even having to give a best man speech at a wedding – no matter what the situation, the fear and panic can be the same. 

In the last month I have helped 8 people overcome their phobia and present with confidence and authority with a 100% success rate.  In fact, not only did all 8 out-perform their wildest expectations, they actually told me that when it came to the crunch, they were excited about doing it!

So what causes us to develop these phobias?  I’m always interested in finding out how these issues develop – as I’ve already said in previous posts, the only fears we are actually born with are loud noises and falling.  When I start a session with a client I’m like to delve a little to find out where the fear may come from, not that it’s necessary to know to be able to help my clients, but I find it helps them to understand why they behave in that way when we establish the origins.  Once they can see where the fear stems from, it helps their conscious and subconscious mind to realise how unhelpful the emotion is and gives me the leverage needed to help facilitate the change. 

Fear of public speaking is actually a learned behaviour – something happened to us in the past and our brain made a link between whatever was going on around us and fear – therefore, in order to protect us from perceived ‘pain’ (see Pleasure Vs Pain) our body will sometimes do anything to avoid the pain and so we often go into full ‘flight or fight’ syndrome.  In one extreme case, my client actually fainted just before he was about to give a major presentation to his colleagues.  That was a sure fire way for his mind to protect him from the perceived threat and therefore avoiding pain.

Whilst that example is extreme, our self protection modes (which might have served us well at some point in our lives) are quite often unhelpful as we get older.  In the example above my client received far more pain from the embarrassment of fainting than he would ever have done had he just done the presentation!

Our fear of public speaking comes from many places, often it’s not actually the fear of speaking in public but the fear of being judged by others.  Many of my clients can trace the start of their issues back to the dreaded ‘reading out loud’ sessions that where conducted during English classes in school and the fear of being judged by their fellow students.  For others it can be general low self esteem or simple transference from parents who are also uncomfortable in social or public environments – they saw how their parents reacted and simply unconsciously copied it.

In my role as the coach, I help clients uncover the origins (although that isn’t absolutely essential), change any unhelpful ‘movies’ they may be running of previous incidences they have experienced (when public speaking hasn’t perhaps gone quite as well as they might have hoped), use various techniques to remove the ‘panic/fear/stress’ emotions and give them some new confidence building exercises to practise once our session is over in order to reinforce the new behaviour. 

Once the fear of public speaking has been cleared, it can open up a whole new world of possibilities.  One client was really excited that she was now able to explore a whole new side to her business - she had often been asked to train others on a range of products and services that she provides, but always felt that she couldn’t because of her fear of speaking in front of others. Her business has now taken off in a whole new direction and she is loving being able to help others whilst boosting her profits considerably.

If you have a social phobia or fear of speaking in public, what would removing that old programming do for you?  How would your life be improved?  What could you do that you’ve never been able to do before?

 

For more information on how I can help, please email me at info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk

Jo

5 Christmas Stress Busters

During some recent coaching sessions, a number of my clients have expressed some dismay at the amount pressure they are under due to the 'ever increasing expectations' being put on them during the festive season.  With that in mind, I thought it pertinent to share some stress busting techniques for gaining and maintaining control over the Christmas period:  

1. Don't have inflated family expectations - We all know the family members who are always able to push our buttons, especially when we’ve made a massive effort to make their Christmas special.  Take regular deep breaths and remember they mean well and for those who don’t, well where is it written that you have to invite them next year? Ridding your life of life’s ‘mood Hoovers’ is the best gift you can give yourself.  
2. Learn to say ‘No’ - You can't please everyone, so why try? This is the season when people tend to throw more parties, arrange more events, make more demands on your time than at any other time of the year. If you don’t want to go to something, just say no, spend your time where you want to not where others think you should – they’ll get over it.
3. Don't follow the crowds - This is just common sense: Fighting for parking spots, waiting in long queues, feeling suffocated by the in-a-hurry masses - none of that is conducive to living a calmer life, it simply raises your stress level and wastes your valuable time. Don't hit the shops at peak shopping hours, shop online, visit small local merchants who gift wrap for free.  
4. Don't entertain in a way that is more work than fun - We love to cook and have people over, but it really can pile on the pressure especially at this time of year.  Don’t be afraid to ask people to bring a side dish or dessert or even a main course and as for the clean-up, learn to say "yes" when your guests offer to help. Four hands in the kitchen gets the job done twice as fast as two.  Or if you want to do everything yourself, choose simple menus – people are coming over to see you, not just to sample your culinary skills.
5. Plan, plan then plan some more - One of my favourite sayings is 'fail to prepare, prepare to fail' - make lists and have plans - get as much done as early as possible.  In my experience, stress can be caused or contributed to by a lack of planning and foresight ie leaving everything to the last minute and not having clear plans.

 

If you need to transform an area of your life or business or you simply require some clarity around your goals, call me now for a free, no obligation chat about how I can help you.

Have a fabulous Christmas and a prosperous New Year.

 

Jo

3 Ways to Transform Your Life

Through the continual coaching I do with my clients and from my never ending research and learning, I have noticed that there are 3 simple things that happier, more focussed and successful individuals do differently to otheres:

 

1. Stop trying to please other people - As we grow up, we are conditioned to please others – mum/dad/siblings/teachers etc. This kind of programming becomes engrained and displays itself in our adult thoughts, actions habits and behaviours.  Take a look at the things that you are doing right now – are you doing them because you want to, or to please someone else? 
2. Stop comparing yourself to others - Have you ever heard of the ‘Iceberg’ model, where what we see from a person’s outward appearance is only a fraction of what is going on underneath? Whilst other’s lives might look idyllic, we rarely know what’s really going on.  We all have our own paths to follow and lessons to learn – by comparing ourselves to others, we are often comparing ourselves to what we ‘think’ we see rather than what’s really going on.  Be your own person and focus on your own journey rather than what others are doing.
3. Stop looking for permission - If you’re always looking for permission from others before doing something, maybe it’s time to stop.  So many people stop themselves from doing things that they’d love to do because they are constantly looking for validation.  Here’s the thing ... you don’t need anyone’s permission ... JFDI – ‘Just Flippin Do It’ and take control of your life NOW!

If you want to transform an area of your life or business or you simply require some clarity around your goals, why don't you call me now for a free, no obligation chat about how I can help you, because your life can be how you want it to be!

 

Jo

How to Cope with Redundancy – Part 2

 

In the last post I discussed the change curve and how important it is to be able to evaluate at what stage in the ‘grief’ process you are in.  By understanding each of the stages, we know that each one is only temporary and that we can move through it as quickly or slowly as we want to.  In essence, the more positive things we do to plan and get in to action, the likelihood that we move more quickly through the stages.

So, besides knowing what the stages are, what else can we do to help ourselves?

Talk

Talk to people, it’s really important that we discuss our emotions and how we’re feeling rather than let things build up.  There is no stigma attached to redundancy these days, in fact, if you haven’t gone at least once in your career to date, then you’re very lucky!  Bottling things up will not help, so you such try and use the support network around you.  It can be difficult when you’re trying to not let your worries affect your family, but it is important that you can talk about things and make decisions together.

Don’t put your head in the sand

If you are worried about your finances, don’t stick your head in the sand, talk to someone about it.  Your bank will be happy to talk to you and find ways to help you – as will credit card companies and mortgage lenders.  Don’t leave things until they consume you – the earliest you can speak to these people if you think there may be a problem, then the easier it will be for them to help you and for you to sleep well.

There are also other government agencies out there that are set up specifically to help people in financial difficulty.  Here are some websites which are full of information that may be useful – Citizens Advice Bureau will also be happy to have a free, face to face meeting with you to discuss your needs:

Debt Management

Citizens Advice   

Exercise and eat well

When we’re feeling stressed we often neglect our eating, opting to eat quick, convenience food or we turn to comfort food.  However, this is the exact time when we should be looking after ourselves, and eating correctly to give us the energy both mentally and physically to deal effectively with what’s happening to us.  If our energy levels are low because we haven’t been feeding our bodies with vital energy giving foods, then we’re less likely to be in a fit state to be able to take effective action or to think positively.

Exercise also plays an important part as it releases endorphins (the feel good hormone) which is proven to reduce stress and make us feel better.  Whilst we are going through difficult times, we tend to release a lot of adrenalin due to experiencing ‘fight or flight’ – that adrenalin, unless used up through exercise, can build up in our bodies and lead to more stress and feelings of anxiety. 

It’s very easy for these two things, eating well and exercise, to be the first things to go when we are feeling stress, however, through my experience; those people who have looked after themselves during stressful periods are the ones that move through the emotional stages much more quickly.
 
Sleep well
 
Our sleep can often be distrupted during such life changes, however, getting a good night's sleep is so important.  I've written posts around how to sleep well, so I'm not going to go over it again here.  You the posts here:

Sleep Well - Part 1           

Sleep Well - Part 2            
  

I also highly recommend Andrew Johnson's MP3s and Apps to help with relaxation and sleep (as well as a whole host of other things).  I use them and I often recommend them to my clients.  You can visit Andrew's website by clicking here.



In the next post in this series, I’ll talk about where to look for your dream job.  Until then, if you are experiencing a difficult period in your life, why not contact me for a free, no obligation chat about how I can help you?

Jo

 

How to Cope with Redundancy - Part 1

 

Sadly, it’s pretty much a given that at some point we will have to face redundancy.  Long gone are the days when you could expect to a job for life and yet although we know this to be true, it is still an enormous, often earth shattering shock that happens to us.

As you know if you read my posts on a regular basis, I have coached hundreds of people over the years who have been facing redundancy and almost everyone goes through the same stages (albeit at differing speeds) of the ‘change curve’.

I have explained the change curve in another post, click here, in essence it’s a series of stages that we go through whenever we are going through a major change – that process is broadly the same whatever the change whether is grief, loss of a loved one, breakup of a relationship – the reasons may be different, but the stages the same.

 

With regard to job loss, it’s really important to know where you are on the curve at any one time, because that way, you’ll know that your thoughts and feelings are just a normal part of the process.  When you’re working as part of a team, it’s good to share the curve with your colleagues because they will easily be able to identify you behaviour against the curve (or there’s if the team is under consultation) and quickly identify what stage you’re at.  That then can allow them to help you move through to the next, more positive stage quicker.

Whenever I’m doing a redundancy workshop with a group or teams, there’s always an air of realisation when I share the curve and almost a sense of relief when people realise that their feelings are completely normal.

It’s also completely normal to move forwards and backwards on the curve from day to day (or hour to hour as some of my clients like to inform me).  For example, I had a client who came to me very soon after the announcement that he was at risk and he said, “I know all about the change curve  and I’m right over on the ‘Decision’ bit because I’ve applied for a few jobs and I’ve got 2 interviews, so there’s no need to worry about me I’m just fine”  The next time I saw him, I thought he was a different person, his physiology had completely changed and he look extremely unhappy.  “What’s happened?” I asked, “I thought you were fine!”  “I didn’t get the jobs I went for and I’m devastated, in fact I feel worse than devastated because I thought I was sorted, I’m feeling so frustrated right now.” 

Once we discussed that it was completely normal to feel that way and I referred him back to our first meeting when we discussed the change curve, there was a realisation and he was quickly able to accept that his feelings were quite normal and although he was still unhappy, he was able to see that it wouldn’t last and we were able to put a structured plan in place for the actions he needed to take to find the right job for him.

In summary, facing redundancy is a very difficult but rather inevitable part of life in this day and age, as long as you can recognise that you will go through a series of emotions as a result, then you are more likely to be able to take control of your future and plan your way through it successfully.

In the next few posts, I’ll be  talking more about managing your emotions through such a difficult period, discussing how to put together an effective plan to ensure that you find your dream job – that will include where to look and the actions you need to take - “Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail!”  plus how to write and effective CV and the all important interview skills.

 

In the meantime, if you (or someone you know) are facing redundancy and would like a free, no obligation chat about how I can help you through it and find the right job for you, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Jo

Managing Change - Change Curve

For all of us, change is inevitable – nothing stays the same forever and as much as we think we might like that, in reality I don’t think we would.  Our lives are in constant change – we get new jobs, we’re made redundant, get married, have children, children grow up and leave home, we move house, etc etc – every day something in our lives changes. 

If this is the case, then why are we so afraid of it? More than anything, it’s the unknown that unnerves us and when there are BIG changes going on in our lives, we can almost grieve for what perceive that we’ve lost or are going to lose.  

Over my coaching career, I’ve worked with hundreds of people who have been put under threat of redundancy (I’ll deal specifically with managing redundancy in a separate post) and what that has allowed me to do is really understand the effects such a life changing event can have on us and see that there really is a very clear process that we go through when dealing with it.  This process happens to be exactly the same process that we go through with any major change including the loss of a loved one.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross studied grief in detail and formulated her famous model of the stages of grief; she never intended it to become a prescription or definitive pathway to healing. It was simply a description of the stages through which people cope and deal with loss – any kind of loss.

Anyone who's ever suffered a major (or even minor) setback will recognise some version of denial, anger, frustration, depression, experimentation, decision making and integration at play in their own experience.  As we begin to notice that our feelings come from our thoughts, not our experience, the "stages" become easy to see as distinct thoughts:

• Shock – “This can’t be happening.”
• Denial - "This isn't really happening."
• Anger/Frustration - "This is happening, but it shouldn't be and it's ______'s fault."
• Depression - "This is happening and it's awful, and there's nothing I can do about it." 
• Experiment – “This is happening and it’s awful, maybe I could try this _____.”
• Decision – “This is happening and I can do this about it.”
• Integration - "This is happening and it's OK.  Life goes on.  What's next?"

It’s hard to see that change is a process when we’re right in the middle of it and we’re hurting.  However, I find that when I present this information to my clients it often provokes an “ah-ha!” moment, a moment of realisation that what they are going through is perfectly natural and that even in their darkest moments, they can see that what they’re going through is a process and there will be an end to it.
 

It’s also important to note that as you work your way through the stages, occasionally you may find that you slip back, for example you may be at the experimentation stage and something that you’re hopeful will work doesn’t and you slip back to frustration or depression – however, it’s important to know that that’s OK and perfectly normal.  Don’t be discouraged, know that it’s a perfectly normal response and carry on moving forward. 

   

Another point to note is that you should try not to stay in any of the stages for too long.  A bit of wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself is fine and completely normal, however, it’s important not to stay there and move through at a steady pace. Enlist the help of friends and family to help you move through and support you as you do.

   

If you do find yourself going through a particularly challenging life event, I urge you to print this chart off and stick it to the fridge or somewhere you can easily see it to you remind you that things will get better.  I find it’s also helpful if friends/family/colleagues see this chart because quite often when we are under pressure, it can affect the people around us.  By them understanding your situation and by them also being able to identify the stage you are in, they can help you (or in extreme cases, they may not take offence if you’re less than your normal polite self!).

  

For my most up to date blog posts, click here to visit my new website, jobanks.net.

Jo