5 Christmas Stress Busters

During some recent coaching sessions, a number of my clients have expressed some dismay at the amount pressure they are under due to the 'ever increasing expectations' being put on them during the festive season.  With that in mind, I thought it pertinent to share some stress busting techniques for gaining and maintaining control over the Christmas period:  

1. Don't have inflated family expectations - We all know the family members who are always able to push our buttons, especially when we’ve made a massive effort to make their Christmas special.  Take regular deep breaths and remember they mean well and for those who don’t, well where is it written that you have to invite them next year? Ridding your life of life’s ‘mood Hoovers’ is the best gift you can give yourself.  
2. Learn to say ‘No’ - You can't please everyone, so why try? This is the season when people tend to throw more parties, arrange more events, make more demands on your time than at any other time of the year. If you don’t want to go to something, just say no, spend your time where you want to not where others think you should – they’ll get over it.
3. Don't follow the crowds - This is just common sense: Fighting for parking spots, waiting in long queues, feeling suffocated by the in-a-hurry masses - none of that is conducive to living a calmer life, it simply raises your stress level and wastes your valuable time. Don't hit the shops at peak shopping hours, shop online, visit small local merchants who gift wrap for free.  
4. Don't entertain in a way that is more work than fun - We love to cook and have people over, but it really can pile on the pressure especially at this time of year.  Don’t be afraid to ask people to bring a side dish or dessert or even a main course and as for the clean-up, learn to say "yes" when your guests offer to help. Four hands in the kitchen gets the job done twice as fast as two.  Or if you want to do everything yourself, choose simple menus – people are coming over to see you, not just to sample your culinary skills.
5. Plan, plan then plan some more - One of my favourite sayings is 'fail to prepare, prepare to fail' - make lists and have plans - get as much done as early as possible.  In my experience, stress can be caused or contributed to by a lack of planning and foresight ie leaving everything to the last minute and not having clear plans.

 

If you need to transform an area of your life or business or you simply require some clarity around your goals, call me now for a free, no obligation chat about how I can help you.

Have a fabulous Christmas and a prosperous New Year.

 

Jo

3 Ways to Transform Your Life

Through the continual coaching I do with my clients and from my never ending research and learning, I have noticed that there are 3 simple things that happier, more focussed and successful individuals do differently to otheres:

 

1. Stop trying to please other people - As we grow up, we are conditioned to please others – mum/dad/siblings/teachers etc. This kind of programming becomes engrained and displays itself in our adult thoughts, actions habits and behaviours.  Take a look at the things that you are doing right now – are you doing them because you want to, or to please someone else? 
2. Stop comparing yourself to others - Have you ever heard of the ‘Iceberg’ model, where what we see from a person’s outward appearance is only a fraction of what is going on underneath? Whilst other’s lives might look idyllic, we rarely know what’s really going on.  We all have our own paths to follow and lessons to learn – by comparing ourselves to others, we are often comparing ourselves to what we ‘think’ we see rather than what’s really going on.  Be your own person and focus on your own journey rather than what others are doing.
3. Stop looking for permission - If you’re always looking for permission from others before doing something, maybe it’s time to stop.  So many people stop themselves from doing things that they’d love to do because they are constantly looking for validation.  Here’s the thing ... you don’t need anyone’s permission ... JFDI – ‘Just Flippin Do It’ and take control of your life NOW!

If you want to transform an area of your life or business or you simply require some clarity around your goals, why don't you call me now for a free, no obligation chat about how I can help you, because your life can be how you want it to be!

 

Jo

How to Cope with Redundancy – Part 2

 

In the last post I discussed the change curve and how important it is to be able to evaluate at what stage in the ‘grief’ process you are in.  By understanding each of the stages, we know that each one is only temporary and that we can move through it as quickly or slowly as we want to.  In essence, the more positive things we do to plan and get in to action, the likelihood that we move more quickly through the stages.

So, besides knowing what the stages are, what else can we do to help ourselves?

Talk

Talk to people, it’s really important that we discuss our emotions and how we’re feeling rather than let things build up.  There is no stigma attached to redundancy these days, in fact, if you haven’t gone at least once in your career to date, then you’re very lucky!  Bottling things up will not help, so you such try and use the support network around you.  It can be difficult when you’re trying to not let your worries affect your family, but it is important that you can talk about things and make decisions together.

Don’t put your head in the sand

If you are worried about your finances, don’t stick your head in the sand, talk to someone about it.  Your bank will be happy to talk to you and find ways to help you – as will credit card companies and mortgage lenders.  Don’t leave things until they consume you – the earliest you can speak to these people if you think there may be a problem, then the easier it will be for them to help you and for you to sleep well.

There are also other government agencies out there that are set up specifically to help people in financial difficulty.  Here are some websites which are full of information that may be useful – Citizens Advice Bureau will also be happy to have a free, face to face meeting with you to discuss your needs:

Debt Management

Citizens Advice   

Exercise and eat well

When we’re feeling stressed we often neglect our eating, opting to eat quick, convenience food or we turn to comfort food.  However, this is the exact time when we should be looking after ourselves, and eating correctly to give us the energy both mentally and physically to deal effectively with what’s happening to us.  If our energy levels are low because we haven’t been feeding our bodies with vital energy giving foods, then we’re less likely to be in a fit state to be able to take effective action or to think positively.

Exercise also plays an important part as it releases endorphins (the feel good hormone) which is proven to reduce stress and make us feel better.  Whilst we are going through difficult times, we tend to release a lot of adrenalin due to experiencing ‘fight or flight’ – that adrenalin, unless used up through exercise, can build up in our bodies and lead to more stress and feelings of anxiety. 

It’s very easy for these two things, eating well and exercise, to be the first things to go when we are feeling stress, however, through my experience; those people who have looked after themselves during stressful periods are the ones that move through the emotional stages much more quickly.
 
Sleep well
 
Our sleep can often be distrupted during such life changes, however, getting a good night's sleep is so important.  I've written posts around how to sleep well, so I'm not going to go over it again here.  You the posts here:

Sleep Well - Part 1           

Sleep Well - Part 2            
  

I also highly recommend Andrew Johnson's MP3s and Apps to help with relaxation and sleep (as well as a whole host of other things).  I use them and I often recommend them to my clients.  You can visit Andrew's website by clicking here.



In the next post in this series, I’ll talk about where to look for your dream job.  Until then, if you are experiencing a difficult period in your life, why not contact me for a free, no obligation chat about how I can help you?

Jo

 

How to Cope with Redundancy - Part 1

 

Sadly, it’s pretty much a given that at some point we will have to face redundancy.  Long gone are the days when you could expect to a job for life and yet although we know this to be true, it is still an enormous, often earth shattering shock that happens to us.

As you know if you read my posts on a regular basis, I have coached hundreds of people over the years who have been facing redundancy and almost everyone goes through the same stages (albeit at differing speeds) of the ‘change curve’.

I have explained the change curve in another post, click here, in essence it’s a series of stages that we go through whenever we are going through a major change – that process is broadly the same whatever the change whether is grief, loss of a loved one, breakup of a relationship – the reasons may be different, but the stages the same.

 

With regard to job loss, it’s really important to know where you are on the curve at any one time, because that way, you’ll know that your thoughts and feelings are just a normal part of the process.  When you’re working as part of a team, it’s good to share the curve with your colleagues because they will easily be able to identify you behaviour against the curve (or there’s if the team is under consultation) and quickly identify what stage you’re at.  That then can allow them to help you move through to the next, more positive stage quicker.

Whenever I’m doing a redundancy workshop with a group or teams, there’s always an air of realisation when I share the curve and almost a sense of relief when people realise that their feelings are completely normal.

It’s also completely normal to move forwards and backwards on the curve from day to day (or hour to hour as some of my clients like to inform me).  For example, I had a client who came to me very soon after the announcement that he was at risk and he said, “I know all about the change curve  and I’m right over on the ‘Decision’ bit because I’ve applied for a few jobs and I’ve got 2 interviews, so there’s no need to worry about me I’m just fine”  The next time I saw him, I thought he was a different person, his physiology had completely changed and he look extremely unhappy.  “What’s happened?” I asked, “I thought you were fine!”  “I didn’t get the jobs I went for and I’m devastated, in fact I feel worse than devastated because I thought I was sorted, I’m feeling so frustrated right now.” 

Once we discussed that it was completely normal to feel that way and I referred him back to our first meeting when we discussed the change curve, there was a realisation and he was quickly able to accept that his feelings were quite normal and although he was still unhappy, he was able to see that it wouldn’t last and we were able to put a structured plan in place for the actions he needed to take to find the right job for him.

In summary, facing redundancy is a very difficult but rather inevitable part of life in this day and age, as long as you can recognise that you will go through a series of emotions as a result, then you are more likely to be able to take control of your future and plan your way through it successfully.

In the next few posts, I’ll be  talking more about managing your emotions through such a difficult period, discussing how to put together an effective plan to ensure that you find your dream job – that will include where to look and the actions you need to take - “Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail!”  plus how to write and effective CV and the all important interview skills.

 

In the meantime, if you (or someone you know) are facing redundancy and would like a free, no obligation chat about how I can help you through it and find the right job for you, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Jo

Managing Change - Change Curve

For all of us, change is inevitable – nothing stays the same forever and as much as we think we might like that, in reality I don’t think we would.  Our lives are in constant change – we get new jobs, we’re made redundant, get married, have children, children grow up and leave home, we move house, etc etc – every day something in our lives changes. 

If this is the case, then why are we so afraid of it? More than anything, it’s the unknown that unnerves us and when there are BIG changes going on in our lives, we can almost grieve for what perceive that we’ve lost or are going to lose.  

Over my coaching career, I’ve worked with hundreds of people who have been put under threat of redundancy (I’ll deal specifically with managing redundancy in a separate post) and what that has allowed me to do is really understand the effects such a life changing event can have on us and see that there really is a very clear process that we go through when dealing with it.  This process happens to be exactly the same process that we go through with any major change including the loss of a loved one.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross studied grief in detail and formulated her famous model of the stages of grief; she never intended it to become a prescription or definitive pathway to healing. It was simply a description of the stages through which people cope and deal with loss – any kind of loss.

Anyone who's ever suffered a major (or even minor) setback will recognise some version of denial, anger, frustration, depression, experimentation, decision making and integration at play in their own experience.  As we begin to notice that our feelings come from our thoughts, not our experience, the "stages" become easy to see as distinct thoughts:

• Shock – “This can’t be happening.”
• Denial - "This isn't really happening."
• Anger/Frustration - "This is happening, but it shouldn't be and it's ______'s fault."
• Depression - "This is happening and it's awful, and there's nothing I can do about it." 
• Experiment – “This is happening and it’s awful, maybe I could try this _____.”
• Decision – “This is happening and I can do this about it.”
• Integration - "This is happening and it's OK.  Life goes on.  What's next?"

It’s hard to see that change is a process when we’re right in the middle of it and we’re hurting.  However, I find that when I present this information to my clients it often provokes an “ah-ha!” moment, a moment of realisation that what they are going through is perfectly natural and that even in their darkest moments, they can see that what they’re going through is a process and there will be an end to it.
 

It’s also important to note that as you work your way through the stages, occasionally you may find that you slip back, for example you may be at the experimentation stage and something that you’re hopeful will work doesn’t and you slip back to frustration or depression – however, it’s important to know that that’s OK and perfectly normal.  Don’t be discouraged, know that it’s a perfectly normal response and carry on moving forward. 

   

Another point to note is that you should try not to stay in any of the stages for too long.  A bit of wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself is fine and completely normal, however, it’s important not to stay there and move through at a steady pace. Enlist the help of friends and family to help you move through and support you as you do.

   

If you do find yourself going through a particularly challenging life event, I urge you to print this chart off and stick it to the fridge or somewhere you can easily see it to you remind you that things will get better.  I find it’s also helpful if friends/family/colleagues see this chart because quite often when we are under pressure, it can affect the people around us.  By them understanding your situation and by them also being able to identify the stage you are in, they can help you (or in extreme cases, they may not take offence if you’re less than your normal polite self!).

  

For my most up to date blog posts, click here to visit my new website, jobanks.net.

Jo

Everything Happens for a Reason

 

One question that I hear again and again from clients, colleagues, friends and family when their facing difficult challenges is “Why me?”  That’s got to be the million dollar question and one that I’ve spent a lot of my time pondering ... Why do bad things happen to good people?

I have to say that I’ve had more than my fair share of adversity in my life, so much so that friends have actually said to me, “How can you possibly come back after this?” “How do you manage to keep getting back up every time you receive such a massive (metaphorical) slap?”  Even my dad (yes my dad!) actually said to me, “You must have been very bad in previous life!” ... and we're Christians!

My conclusion is that no matter how hard the situation seems at the time, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.  If my life hadn’t been (what feels like) a continuous succession of challenging scenarios I wouldn’t have been hell bent on finding solutions.  Each time a challenge arises, I set off trying to find a solution whether it be reading a particularly book (I’ve read hundreds of self development books over the years and still make it my aim to read at least one a month), I’ve become an NLP master practitioner, I’ve learnt EFT, advanced coaching skills, I’ve trained with some of the world’s best coaches, I’ve attended dozens of seminars, talks and workshops.  The result – well not only has all that helped me manage my own challenges but it’s also led me to help hundreds – thousands if you count my blog readership – manage their challenges too.

Without those countless trials and tribulations, I would have had no need to continuously search for solutions, finding new techniques and approaches which not only have helped me, but I've been able to pass the best of them on to my clients and readers.

I was having a coaching session recently with the well known American EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) coach Brad Yates and I asked him the “Why Me?” question about why so much seemingly negative stuff can happen to one person.  His reply, “How can you help people if you’ve never been through anything?  How can you be a good coach if you’ve never lived with adversity? ... You can’t - you simply wouldn’t be credible!”

That said it is incredibly difficult to see the good when you’re in the midst of a difficult and challenging situation.  It’s often only months or even years after that you see the lesson that you needed to learn from that challenge.  Therefore, I also believe that that apart from other things, life is a series of lessons, if we don’t learn the lesson it keeps on knocking until we listen and change something – hence, ‘Everything happens for a reason’ and my favourite saying, 'Always do what you've always done, always get what you've always got'. 

Exercise 1

Look back on some of the challenges that you’ve had over the years – step away from them as if you’re watching them on a movie screen (so that you’re not too associated with them) – can you see the lesson you needed to learn?  There will be one if you look hard enough. 

Exercise 2

The next time you’re facing a challenging situation, ask yourself “What’s the lesson I need to learn here?” Use ‘Owner’ questions to find out what the real reason is and you may find that you are able to move through the challenge much more quickly than you would using ‘Victim’ and ‘woe is me’ type questions.

If you are going through a particularly challenging time and would like to have a free, no obligation chat about how I can help you, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Jo

3 Ways to Become 'Discouragement Proof'

Recently I’ve become fascinated with what makes people and businesses thrive during the tough economic times.  Through my research I believe that the key to success is to become "discouragement proof”.

1.     Drop the ‘Victim’ script

 

In an outside-in world, where your state of mind is at the mercy of events, it's natural to blame things on outside forces, ranging from the economy to management to the incompetence and dishonesty of your own colleagues. But when you see that the only thing that can take you up or down is your own thinking, it's difficult to maintain the story that anything outside of you is "doing it to you".

Dropping the victim scripts meant less time spent assigning fault and blame and more time looking for solutions.  

 

2.     Use your creativity

Creativity is sometimes seen as a mysterious thing, but at its essence, it's simply a way of describing our infinite capacity for new thought. When we recognise that capacity is ever present, we also see that the possibility to solve any problem is never more than one thought away.
 
Recognising our incredible capacity for new thought in any moment means challenges can be faced head on instead of ducked, avoided, or feared. Problems became opportunities for creativity and innovation instead of nails in the coffin of possibility.

3.     Don’t give up!

Anyone who's ever suffered a major (or even minor) setback will recognize some version of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance at play in their own experience.  All of these ‘stages’ are not as a result of what’s happened to us, but how we think/feel about it. So rather than get stuck in any one thought about what's happening, the natural resilience of the human mind means we can change our thoughts whenever we need to.
 
The ability to bounce back quickly means that people were willing to try and try and try and try again without losing hope.  And persistence, creativity, and a good feeling between you and those around you is a breeding ground for success.

Final thoughts...

1.         We are living in the feeling of our thinking
2.         New thought is available to us in any moment!

If there are any obstacles that you or your business is facing at the moment or you simply require some clarity around your goals, please do not hesitate to give me a call for a free no obligation conversation about how I can help you.

Jo

Are you Self-Sabotaging?

 

Have you ever thought that you may be sabotaging your own goals?  You get so far with something and then do or say something and it all falls apart?  I don’t think there’s anyone alive who hasn’t.  Sometimes clients will tell me that they know that they are self-sabotaging but really don’t know why.

I like to describe self-sabotage as misguided self-love.  If you self-sabotage, there is some part of you (usually deep in your subconscious) that is in conflict with what you are trying to consciously achieve.  Your subconscious is activity protecting you from something that it perceives to be harmful or not in your best interest. 

How do you overcome self-sabotage? 

Firstly, look at your goals.  Are they really authentic goals, something that you really want, or are they something that you think you should have?  Are they your goals or the goals of your parents, spouse, and friends?  What you may find when you dig deep is that there is a conflict between what you think you want (or what you should want) and what you really want.  If that’s the case, no matter how hard you try to achieve your goal, your sub-conscious will go about ensuring that it doesn’t happen!

If you are happy that your goal is authentic but you still find yourself sabotaging your efforts, it could be that what you desire is in direct conflict to what you actually think that you can achieve.  This conflict will be enough for your subconscious to actively go about sabotaging your efforts this can also be true if you think that you aren’t worthy of your goal.

I particularly notice this when it comes to the area of money – clients want more money, but often have negative associations to money and therefore either self-sabotage themselves on the way to getting more or actually become wealthy then lose it all through self-sabotage, due to having unresolved money issues such as being told when they were growing up that ‘only bad people make money’, or ‘money is the root of all evil’.   It’s no wonder that people self-sabotage when there are those types of old programming running in the subconscious mind.

Another common conflict is in the area of a new job or promotion.  Many people dearly want to move up the ladder and gain a coveted promotion yet they mess up the interview (even when they’ve done all the preparation humanly possible).  When this happens, I ask some particular probing questions and usually uncover that the client doesn’t actually believe that they can get/do the job or are not worthy of it!  Recognising and removing those conflicts can often result in clients achieving their goals quicker than they could have imagined.

What we have to remember is that there is a reason for everything we (or others) do, whether we realise we realise what that is or not.  The next time you find yourself self-sabotaging, ask yourself some empowering questions such as:

“Why did I do that?”

“What’s the meaning/message in this”

“What is REALLY stopping me?”

“What is really REALLY stopping me?” (sometimes asking this question twice gets a different answer the second time!)

“What can I do about it?”

“Is this the right goal for me, at this time?”

By continually asking yourself probing, quality questions to will be able to uncover what is really stopping you which will enable you to do something about it.  Sometimes just the mere fact that you’ve recognised what it is, is enough to facilitate a change.  If you recognise that you may be self sabotaging, get in touch for a free, no obligation conversation to discuss how I can help.

 

Jo

Change Your Physiology - Change Everything!

There is a massively close link between our physiology (how we hold our bodies/our facial expressions/tone of voice etc) and our emotions.  Our physiology goes far beyond our just body language and is a true indicator of how we are feeling.  In fact, our physiology and our emotions are inextricably linked that if we want to immediately change our ‘state’ (how we are feeling) we can do it rapidly through changing our physiology.

Let me explain; if I said to you, “Behind that door is someone who is incredibly depressed, tell me how they look”  You would be likely to say that their shoulders are slumped, they are looking down, their gestures are laboured, their breaking is shallow and they keep sighing.  If I said, “Behind that door is someone who is happy and excited, how do they look?” You would say that they are animated, they have a big smile on their face, they are standing up straight with their shoulders back and their tone is sharp and quick” ...  It’s very easy to guess what someone is feeling by their physiology.

Now, the fantastic thing about actually knowing this is that in any moment you can actually change your emotions by changing your physiology.  It really is that simple.  We cannot, no matter how hard we try, display the physiology of one emotion whilst feeling another ie we cannot feel depressed whilst we display positive/happy physiology.  We cannot feel tired whilst we display energic/non tired physiology, it’s impossible!

When I first came across this concept, I remember I’d done a 14 hour day and was driving home thinking of how tired I was and how much I had to do when I got in.  I remember groaning to myself and thinking, “How am I going to get all that done when I’m so tired … and I have to be up again at 5.30 am, it's 9.30 pm now and I still have loads to do!” Then I remembered about changing physiology to change my emotions.  I then noticed my body language and I was aware that I was a little slumped in my seat, with my shoulders drooped, I was frowning and my mouth was turned down and I kept huffing and puffing and I was think of the tasks ahead with dread.  I immediately sat up straight, put my shoulders back, took a big deep breath in and … smiled.

 

Wow, what a difference it made!  I felt far more energised and the tasks ahead seemed far less daunting and I’ve got to be honest, I was astonished.  Had I not tried it, I wouldn’t have believed that something so effective could be so simple.  The next morning when the alarm went off, instead of moaning and groaning and getting annoyed at the alarm, I sat up in bed, took a big deep breath in and smiled.  It was like a revelation.  I’ve always found it difficult to get up in the morning, now, I have to say, it’s a breeze.

 

Since that day, whenever I find myself slipping into any old negative physiology patterns, I sit up straight, put my shoulders back, smile and take a deep breath.  It’s so simple, but makes a massive difference.  I use it all the time with my clients too and they are astonished at how quickly they can change their state just by changing their body language, breathing and facial expressions. 

 

So here’s today’s exercise; for the next 3 days keep an eye on your emotions.  If you start to feel any negativity, observe what you are doing with your physiology and change it.  Put your shoulders back, sit/stand up straight, take a deep breath in and smile.  You’ll be amazed at how quickly you move from negativity to positivity and the more you practice this, the better you will be at it.

Trying to stay positive just through positive thinking alone is (as I know a lot of you will have found) difficult because the thing about positive thinking is that you have to think about it!  By continually adjusting your physiology when you notice any negative emotions/thoughts, will greatly help in changing those old patterns of behaviour and move you towards more natural positivity.

I’d be interested to know how you get on with this, so let me know how you get on.  You can always leave comments below or email me at info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk.

Jo

Pleasure V Pain

Ever wondered why you keep coming back to goals that you never quite get around to achieving or keep procrastinating about the same thing but never do it?  It's because everything we do is motivated by gaining pleasure and avoiding pain.

Let’s look at some examples:

Procrastination - if you’re procrastinating about doing something it’s because you link more pain to doing that thing than the pleasure you will have when you’ve done it.

Weight Loss – if lose a few pounds then spoil it all by eating copious amounts of  alcohol, that’s because you link more pleasure to eating the chocolate than the pain of losing the weight!

Relationships – If you’re in a relationship that isn’t working and you can’t seem to leave, it’s because you link more pain to ending the relationship than the pleasure you may gain if you do.

Changing Jobs – If you’re unhappy in your job, but don’t leave, it’s because you link more pain to finding and starting a new job than you do to staying in your existing role.

Excessive Drugs/Drinking – If you drink to excess or take drugs, it’s because you link more pleasure to that than the pleasure of being clean/healthy.

As humans every single action we take is geared towards getting out of pain and in to pleasure.  You may say, “But I really want to lose weight!”  Or “I really want to do/be/have that” my answer would be, “Obviously not enough, or else you would have it, or at least be working towards it”.  So how do we do that?  We do it by leverage, until you make the reason for doing/being/having the thing you want bigger than your reason for not doing it, you’ll never achieve it.

In a future post, I’ll talk about leverage and how you can use it in order to achieve your goals.  Until then, whenever you find yourself procrastinating, ask yourself whether it's because it's less painful to do something than it is to do it!

Jo

 

Choose Your Thoughts

I’ve talked about this in previous posts, but I thought it was worthwhile mentioning it again in a bit more detail following my post, 3 Ways to Improve Your Life. 

Each one of us perceives a situation/event/person’s behaviour in a different way.  The situation/event/behaviour is just that and nothing more, until we put meaning to it.  The meaning we put to it can be based on numerous factors including our race/colour/creed, our current mood, what’s happened to us that day, previous experience of a similar situation, our learned behaviours, our general view of the world etc etc and is usually done on a subconscious level. 

As you will know if you read my posts regularly – I had quite a lot to deal with last year and it actually came down to two choices, I can either see it as a massive negative and let it consume me and drift in to helpless negativity, or I can use this situation to empower me, to learn from and to hopefully use my experiences help others.  Which do you think is the more empowering option?  The second obviously otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this!

We often can stop a situation happening, but do have full control over how we feel and what we do about it.  Whether we see it as a positive or a negative, whether we take the learning and move forward or let it engulf us, it’s a choice, our choice, no one else’s.  A situation is basically neutral, it’s the meaning that we put to it depending on all the factors mentioned above (and more) that make it positive or negative.

So the next time something happens that is uncomfortable or upsetting take a step back and choose how you see it.  Could it mean something else?  What can you learn from it and what can you do differently to stop it happening again?  Ask yourself better questions and consciously change your perception and you’ll find that your feelings and emotions will change as a result.

Jo

Have Fewer Rules

 

 

Have you ever noticed how many rules you have? For example rules around:

• How others should behave towards you

• How people should greet you

• How your family should act/talk

• Who’s turn it is to call who (“I’m not calling them, it’s their turn to call me”)

Have you ever wondered if everyone has the same rules?  Well the answer to that rarely, even your own family are unlikely to have exactly the same ones as you, especially if they see yours as being unneccessary!

So how do we build our very own book of rules?  We collect them as we go through our lives, some rules we take on board from our religion or lack of religion, our parents/grandparents/teachers, what we see on the TV, what we experience in our lives, from how we’ve been treated in the past; in fact our rules can come from pretty much anywhere.  But that’s the point, they are OUR rules and not everyone has the same ones.

Here’s a good example of a ‘rule’ that I picked up from my mum - she is very strict on timekeeping, which I seem to have ‘inherited’ from her.  It was drilled into me at an early age that you should never keep people waiting and you should always be one time.  Therefore, one of my rules is that I will NEVER be late for anything unless there’s an exceptional reason for it and, unfortunately, because that’s one of my rules, I’ve always thought that everyone else would be the same – but they aren’t. 

Until I understood that we all have different ‘rules’ I would get really frustrated, sometimes offended and often quite upset if someone was late when we’d arranged a specific time.  I would actually get quite wound up about it.  I know now that the pain that I was feeling was because they were breaking one of my rules.  I saw it as a lack of respect or that they didn’t care, however, now I don’t see it as being directed at me personally, others just have different rules and therefore, I’ve learned to manage my own feelings and emotions accordingly, causing myself a lot less pain.

I have a good friend who has 5 children all under the age of 10.  I recently asked her how she manages to cope with having so many children all relatively young, her reply, “We don’t have too many rules.”  She explained, “When the first two were born, we had all these rules about what they could and couldn’t do or how they should and shouldn’t behave.  For example, ‘no eating in the living room’, ‘no TV before bed’, ‘finish everything on your plate’.  The more children we had, the more impossible it was for these rules (and we had lots) to be met and I was feeling constantly disappointed and out of control.  Once we relaxed the rules, the easier things became and the happier the family is as a whole.”

If you have too many rules, you are setting yourself up for a very painful life.  There will doubtless be times when you’ll end up breaking your own rules (causing pain) and they will definitely be broken by others (most people won’t even be aware what your rules are!) causing more pain.

As rules are something that we create, here’s the good news, we can change them or let them go.  The fewer rules you have, the less chance there is for you or someone else to break.  Try loosening your rules for 3 days and see what happens.  It may be a little difficult to let go at first, you only have to try things and have positive results a couple of times before you’ll start to create new neural pathways in your brain which will start to change your current default setting.

Give it a go.  What have you got to lose?

Jo 

Quality Questions

Following on from the article I recently posted, 3 Ways to Improve Your Life, I thought I would break down each of the ‘ways’ into 3 separate posts.  This is the first...

Whether you realise it or not, we all have the answers to our own issues/problems/dilemmas within us.  What a skilled coach will do is ask a series of pointed questions in order to pull those answers out of you.  However, we don’t all have coaches on speed dial (although we should!), but we can ask ourselves better more empowering questions that will help us to find a solution to whatever the issue is. 

The quality of the questions we ask ourselves is so important as we have the power to turn our situations from negative to positive and vice versa through our questioning process.  I’ve talked about the Reticular Activator System (RAS) before, but in essence it is that part of the brain that has to go and find the answer to any question that we ask it. 

Here are some disempowering questions that are likely to give a negative response if you ask them of yourself:

• “Why can’t I lose weight” - “Because you’re fat and lazy”

• “Why does this always happen to me?” -  “Because you’re unlucky”

• “Why does nothing ever work out right?” - “Because that’s just how it is”

• “Why doesn’t this stuff happen to other people?” – “Because you’re a failure”

WHATEVER QUESTION WE ASK OF OURSELVES, WE WILL GET AN ANSWER – whether we like the answer or not.  It’s therefore really important that the questions we ask are positive ones eg:

• “What can I do to lose weight?”

• “What can I do about this?”

• “What else can this mean?”

• “What can I learn from this?”

• “How can I use what I’ve learned?”

• “How can I turn this in to an opportunity?”

The second set of questions are much more empowering and as your RAS system HAS to give you a response, it’s likely that you will quickly find a solution or the right path to finding a solution for your problem more easily than asking poor/disempowering questions.

It seems incredibly simplistic, and it is.  Listen to the types of questions your ask yourself (we do it all the time so it won’t be hard), I can guarantee you’ll be surprised as how negative they can be and how disempowering our answers are.

Over the next 3 days or as a difficult situations arise (which they do for all of us from time to time) try asking a different set of questions.  If it helps, write some empowering questions down (the ones above are a good start) and keep them somewhere accessible so that you can start to break your old ‘helpless’ questioning habits and replace them with better ones.

Give it a go, you’ve nothing to lose.

Have fun!

Jo

3 Ways to Improve your Life

 

Through conducting countless coaching sessions, personal development and life experiences, I’ve learned that there are some things that you can do immediately to significantly improve the quality of your life.  Of course there are many others, but I think that these are perhaps three of the quickest and simplest:

   

1.   Choose how you want to perceive a situation

In any given moment, we can CHOOSE how we view a situation and whether we see it as positive or a negative.  A situation is not good or bad, positive or negative, every situation is neutral; it’s the meaning that we give to it that makes it positive or negative and how we view a situation can be attributed to whether we live our lives as Victims or Owners. 

 

Owners don’t have any less difficulty in their lives; they just choose to manage difficult situations differently.  They look for the opportunity; they look at what it could mean and how they can use it positively and most importantly, what they can do differently should that situation rise again in the future.  Because of their outlook, they are generally in a much more resourceful state to handle the situation positively.

 

A Victim could see exactly the same situation in a negative light, which will leave them feeling powerless, unable to deal with it and potentially feeling helpless and out of control.  Thereby leaving them in a resourceful state and feeling unable to cope.

 

2.   Ask better questions

 

The questions that we ask ourselves about a situation have a major impact on whether we are in a resourceful state able to deal with the issue effectively (Owner) or whether we feel disempowered and unable to see a way through (Victim).

  

Owner questions:

   

‘What can I do about this?’

‘How can I learn from this?’

‘What message can this be telling me?’

‘How can I use this?’

 

Victim questions:

 

“Why does this always happen to me?”

“Why can’t I do anything right?”

“Why do things never turn out right for me?”

“Why doesn’t this stuff happen to other people?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

 

Whatever question you ask yourself, you WILL get an answer – therefore, ask better questions and you’ll get better answers!

3.   Have fewer rules

 

The more rules we have for ourselves and others, the more chance there is for them to be broken and therefore causing us disappointment and pain.  Our lives tend to be driven by the rules that we’ve set for ourselves and for how we think others should think, feel and behave. 

 

Our rules are built up over the years from a mixture of how we see the world based on our perceptions, learned behaviours and modelling (picking up rules from others eg parents, grandparents, teachers) those around us.  Having fewer rules or at least lightening up on your rules, will ultimately give you less pain – after all, they are something that’s been created by you, so you can change them.

   

I’ll break each of these down into more detail in individual posts at some point, however, if you just make these three changes to your life (which are relatively simple and require little effort) and practise them consistently  you will start to see a marked difference in your resourcefulness and your ability to cope better in trying situations.

   

If it seems too much to do all three at once, just take the ‘questions’ and try asking yourself better questions for the next 3 days.  You’ll be amazed at the quality of the answers you will receive … as I said earlier:

 
 

‘Ask a better question and you’ll get a better answer’.

  

Whatever you do, have fun with it and remember, practise makes perfect!

Jo

9 Steps to Success

 

I was recently reading an article from Harvard Business School by Heidi Grant Halvorson that I really wanted to share with you.  It’s based on decades of research surrounding what makes people successful while others continue to not be quite so successful.  The research showed quite clearly that it isn’t a lack of knowledge or resources that stop us from succeeding, but simple what we do/the actions we take or rather don’t take.

It was found that there are 9 distinct things that people who succeed do consistently:

1. Get specific - The more specific you can be about your goal, the more likely to are to achieve it.
2. Seize the moment to act on your goals - To seize the moment, decide when and where you will take each action you want to take, in advance – be specific.
3. Know exactly how far you have left to go - If you don't know how well you are doing, you can't adjust your behaviour or your strategies accordingly. Check your progress frequently — weekly, or even daily, depending on the goal.
4. Be a realistic optimist - Studies show that thinking things will come to you easily and effortlessly leaves you ill-prepared for the journey ahead and significantly increases the odds of failure.
5. Focus on getting better, rather than being good - Believing you have the ability to reach your goals is important, but so is believing you can get the ability. People whose goals are about getting better, rather than being good, take difficulty in stride, and appreciate the journey as much as the destination.
6. Have grit - Grit is a willingness to commit to long-term goals, and to persist in the face of difficulty.
7. Build your willpower muscle - Your self-control "muscle" is just like the other muscles in your body — when it doesn't get much exercise, it becomes weaker over time. But when you give it regular workouts by putting it to good use, it will grow stronger and stronger, and better able to help you successfully reach your goals.
8. Don't tempt fate - Don't try to take on two challenging tasks at once, if you can help it. Successful people know not to make reaching a goal harder than it already is.
9. Focus on what you will do, not what you won't do - Plan how you will replace bad habits with good ones, rather than focusing only on the bad habits themselves

Although I didn't find any of this information a surprise, I think it's invaluable when you see it written down in a list format.  With this in mind, it may be just the time to review your goals and see what actions you need more focus on. 

 

Just a reminder that if you sign up for my monthly newsletter, you will receive a free e-book of the classic 'Think and Grow Rich' by Napoleon Hill.  Just follow the link at the top left hand side of this page.

 

Have a wonderful week!

 

Jo