Body Language Part 3 – Building Rapport/ Mirroring

As an NLP practitioner and a coach, it is essential that I build rapport with my clients.  Quickly building rapport means that my clients will feel comfortable with me and trust me enough to be open about things that quite often can be extremely personal.

Building rapport is not only important in the job that I do, it’s important for a whole range of jobs where getting the other person to ‘buy in’ to what you’re telling them is integral to the success of your role, e.g. sales and marketing, negotiating, bargaining etc. it can also be useful for diffusing conflict and getting someone to do something you want them to do whether it be in your professional or personal life.   

Building rapport is critical in certain roles as it lets that person think that you are on the same wavelength as them, so they will see you as credible and ‘like them’ (people will often buy more or be more open with people they perceive to be like them).

How to build rapport

The easiest and quickest way to build rapport is by mirroring the other person’s body language.  If you ever spend any time observing others (as I’ve said in previous posts, I’m an avid people watcher and really enjoy sitting in a coffee shop and watching what’s going on around me), you can pick so much up about the relationships of the people around you just by watching their body language.

For example, you can usually pretty easily identify if they are in love, if they are colleagues, if they are friends, and whether their relationship is new. I even find it relatively easy to tell if a couple is having an affair, all by observing their body language and mirroring).

You’ll notice that when people are in complete rapport with each other, they have exactly the same body language, i.e. one will lean forward then the other will, one will take a sip of their drink and the other will, one will cross their legs, and so will the other.

Again this is completely subconscious, but it is this exact mirroring that indicates that both people are totally on the same wavelength, in complete harmony with each other.  Next time you’re with someone you know well, take note of how your body language, after a few minutes, ends up being exactly the same without you consciously realising it.

On the other hand, look at the body language of people who are in conflict, those who aren’t getting on, who are miles apart in their thinking -  their body language will be quite different.  It will be opposing and usually not the same in any way. We call this mismatching.

So, why is consciously mirroring someone useful?  If there is something that you want someone to agree with you on, if you want someone to buy something from you, you just want them to see your side of things, or if you find someone attractive and want them to find you attractive too, mirroring is the key.  

In fact, mirroring is so powerful that if you are in conflict with someone, mirroring their body language will usually help to bring that person around to your way of thinking.

Now I’m not talking about ridiculously over-emphasising their body language so that it’s immediately obvious that you are copying them.  That will just look crazy, and the other person will notice it a mile off.  You need to be subtle about it, VERY subtle in the beginning.

Mirroring

Start by sitting the same way they are sitting, i.e. cross your right leg if they cross theirs (a mirror image).  If they take a drink, you take a drink.  If they touch their face, you touch yours but in a very subtle way.  For each movement they make, leave it for a few seconds, then mirror it.  

Also, watch how they are speaking and mirror their tone, their volume and the speed at which they are speaking.  This is obviously incredibly helpful for building rapport with someone over the phone.  Some behavioural experts, especially professional negotiators I know, take this to the ‘enth’ degree and even copy the person’s pattern of breathing. 

Give it a go:

1. Next time you’re sitting with someone opposite you, take a minute to notice if you are in rapport and have been subconsciously mirroring them
2. Try mirroring with someone who you want to bring around to your way of thinking

It really is a powerful tool that, if you can master, will pay dividends.

Jo

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