Listen More, Talk Less

 

It never ceases to amaze me how much of their inner most thoughts and feelings that my clients are willing to tell me.  At least a couple of times a week I must hear, “I really wasn’t intending on telling you that” or “I’ve never told another soul that”.  So what is it that I do that gets people to really open up to me in a way that they don’t with others?

Well you could say it’s because they’re paying me, but that really will only get you so far – what I do is listen and I don’t just mean that I superficially hear what they are saying, I REALLY listen with very few interruptions (except to ask pointed questions where I want to probe a little deeper).  Listening skills practiced frequently and mastered have massively positive impact on our relationships both at home and at work. 

So few of us really listen to each other, we are usually patiently (or sometimes not) waiting for our turn or our chance to have our say.  When the other person is talking, we aren’t really listening we are formulating what we are going to say next and looking for a good point to interrupt and get our point across.  Have you ever been around someone who continually interrupts?  Of course you have, it’s annoying and really quite frustrating and you don’t usually want to be around that person for long.  It can make you feel undervalued and that you’re opinion doesn't count. 
 
What happens when you actively listen to someone is they feel valued and that their views matter, as a result they will open up to you in ways you probably will never have thought possible.

Here I've listed five techniques that will help increase your listening skills if used frequently:

1.   Use positive body language

Your body language speaks volumes about whether you are interested in what another person is saying or not.  You need to appear interested by looking at the person and making eye contact.  Subtly mirror their body language, lean in towards them, nod occasionally to show that you are interested and engaged.

Closed body language (arms/legs crossed), hands in pockets and avoiding eye contact are not good listening skills.  They will effectively close the other person down and stop them from opening up to you.  You have to look interested!

2.   Stay engaged

If someone wants to talk to you, stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention.  That means turning off the TV (yes really!), turning your back on your PC, not answering your phone and not checking your phone for messages etc.  There’s nothing more annoying than when you’re trying to tell someone something important and they continue doing something else and they say something like, “Carry on ... I’m listening” they aren't listening, not really.

3.   Resist the urge to interrupt

It can be tempting to finish someone else’s sentence or to try and hurry them along in an attempt to show that you understand what they are saying, but it can come across as rude and denies that person the chance to say what they really mean.  Let them finish what they are saying in their own words.  A top tip to ensure that you aren’t interrupting is to pause a few seconds before you respond.

4.   Ask questions/test understanding

Use open ended questions, one I like to use is, “Tell me ...” people love to be heard, so asking a question in such a way that it makes the person feel valued will help them open up.  Asking appropriate questions will also help to test your understanding of what’s going on so that you don’t make up your own story about the situation.

5.   Neutralise your feelings

We cannot help people when we are judging them.  Don’t just listen with your ears, but with your eyes and your heart.  We don’t have to necessarily agree with what the person is saying, but if we can fully absorb what the person really means, we can respond more thoughtfully.  Most people don’t listen to comprehend; they listen to reply.  Don’t focus on what you’re going to say next, focus on what the person is really saying.

Your task for the next couple of days (should you choose to accept it) is to practise active listening.  Take some extra time to really listen to what people are saying, I think you’ll find it very interesting!

Jo

7 Habits of People Who Don’t Worry

 

Sadly, worry seems to be an ever increasing emotion that I’m seeing more and more.  Clients often say, “I can’t sleep, I’m such a worrier ...” “I worry about everything and I just can’t seem to stop”.  As a result, I decided to look into it a bit deeper to see what it is that non-worriers do that worriers don’t.  Here are a few of the observations that I’ve made:

1.   They Focus on the present

The future hasn’t happened yet and as our brains cannot tell the difference between something that’s real and something that’s vividly imagined, we can relive our worst fears over and over again without them actually ever happening!  Focussing on the present and actions you can take rather than worst case scenarios will help you gain control over the actual situation rather than your vividly imagined one.

2.   They are more willing to take chances

What would you be, do or have if you didn’t worry?  People who don’t worry are free to take more chances because they don’t feel anxious about the outcome.  They have enough faith in their own abilities to know that whatever happens, things will always work out as they are supposed to.

3.   They have a sense of perspective

Because they aren’t projecting into the future, they are firmly in the now and are therefore able to see a situation for what it is, not what they imagine it to be.  Taking this stance is empowering and enables them to make better decisions based on what’s actually happening rather than what they imagine will happen ... often two very different things.

4.   They get to the root of the worry

 

They don’t brew over things, they look at problems in a calm and level headed way.  They find the cause and deal with it in the most effective way possible as quickly as possible, thereby potentially heading off problems before they occur or at the very least, minimising the impact.

 

5.   They have confidence that they can handle anything that comes their way

They learn by their mistakes, look at what they’ve been through in their past and know that they can handle anything.  It’s not that non worriers have fewer problems; they just have a better strategy for dealing with them.  Think back in your life, I’m sure that you’ve overcome some major difficulties and that’s just it, you overcame them and no amount of worrying probably made one bit of difference to the outcome.   

 

6.   They ask the right questions

They ask empowering, enabling questions rather than disempowering weak ones.  They ask questions like, “How can I use this” “What do I need to do to resolve this” “How can I ensure this doesn’t happen again” “What do I need to learn from this”.  I’ve spoken at length in other posts about the importance of asking the right questions click here for more information.

 

7.   They know how to manage their negative emotions

Non worriers know that if a negative emotion surfaces, it means that there’s something that needs to be dealt with and dealt with quickly.  They rarely let negative emotions settle and overpower them.  They know how to manage their emotions, think clearly and get out of any negativity as quickly as possible by asking the right questions and taking positive action.

Are you a worrier, or know someone who is?  Life does not have to be like that; you can take control of your emotions and lead a much healthier and happier life.  For more information contact me at info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk for a free no obligation chat about how I can help.

Stop worrying and start living now!

Jo

7 Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People

 

There are numerous studies that indicate (and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out) that highly emotional intelligent (EI) people perform better not only in their personal relationships, but in all areas of their lives.

Emotional intelligence makes the different between being a mediocre leader and an exceptional one; from living an 'OK' life to an extraordinary one.  We can all think of managers we’ve worked with or people we know who have exceptional IQ (intelligence quotient) but very low EI which makes for conflict, animosity and negativity. 

So where are you when it comes to EI?  Here are seven habits that emotionally intelligent people regularly display:

 

1.   They surround themselves with positive people

As high EI people tend to be of a generally positive nature, they tend to gravitate towards the same (like attracts like).  They like to be around people who are positive, energetic and optimistic.  High EI people tend to dislike being around move Hoovers (people who suck all the positivity out of them) complainers and generally negative people. 

2.   They focus on the positive

Instead of focussing on what’s gone wrong, they focus on the opportunity, how they can make things better and what they can learn from a situation rather than going into Victim mode, “why me?”.  They generally ask themselves better questions and focus on what is within their control.

3.   They are able to set boundaries and be assertive when necessary

In conflict situations, they tend to think before they speak.  They may often be seen as pushovers because of they are usually mild mannered (as a result of being in control of their emotions), however, they are able to set boundaries and assert themselves when necessary.  They manage their time and know when to say no.

4.   They are forward thinking and let go of the past

They are too busy thinking about the future then to dwell on the past.  They learn from past failures and apply that learning to their future endeavours.  They never see failure as permanent or a personal reflection on themselves.

5.   They look for ways to make life more fun, happy and interesting

High EI people know what makes them happy and look for ways to bring that in to every aspect of their lives.  They also get great satisfaction from making others happy and fulfilled, it’s not all about them and they will go out of their way to help others.

6.   They choose how to expend their energy wisely

They tend to move on quickly from conflict and don’t hold grudges.  They learn any lessons quickly and move on.  That doesn’t mean that they are fools and allow themselves to be mistreated; they move on and forget but don’t forget.

7.   Continually learning and growing towards independence

They are lifelong learners, constantly growing, evolving, open to new ideas and always willing to learn from others.  They are not set in their ways or their ways of thinking, they will change their views if another’s opinion makes better sense than theirs.  However, they will always trust their own judgement to make the best decision for themselves.

Emotional Intelligence is so important to our general wellbeing, how we deal with and manage others.  Are there any areas above that you could benefit from working on?
 
If so, contact me for a free, no obligation chat about how I can help.  Email me at: info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk or call 0333 900 7911 now!

Jo