For all of us, change is inevitable – nothing stays the same forever and
as much as we think we might like that, in reality I don’t think we would. Our lives are in constant change – we get new
jobs, we’re made redundant, get married, have children, children grow up and
leave home, we move house, etc etc – every day something in our lives
changes.
If this is the case, then why are we so afraid of it? More than
anything, it’s the unknown that unnerves us and when there are BIG changes
going on in our lives, we can almost grieve for what perceive that we’ve lost
or are going to lose.
Over my coaching career, I’ve worked with hundreds of people who have
been put under threat of redundancy (I’ll deal specifically with managing
redundancy in a separate post) and what that has allowed me to do is really
understand the effects such a life changing event can have on us and see that
there really is a very clear process that we go through when dealing with
it. This process happens to be exactly
the same process that we go through with any major change including the loss of
a loved one.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross studied grief in detail and formulated her famous model of the stages of grief; she never intended it to become a prescription or definitive pathway to healing. It was simply a description of the stages through which people cope and deal with loss – any kind of loss.
Anyone who's ever suffered a major (or even minor) setback will recognise some version of denial, anger, frustration, depression, experimentation, decision making and integration at play in their own experience. As we begin to notice that our feelings come from our thoughts, not our experience, the "stages" become easy to see as distinct thoughts:
- Shock – “This
can’t be happening.”
- Denial -
"This isn't really happening."
- Anger/Frustration -
"This is happening, but it shouldn't be and it's ______'s fault."
- Depression -
"This is happening and it's awful, and there's nothing I can do about
it."
- Experiment – “This
is happening and it’s awful, maybe I could try this _____.”
- Decision – “This
is happening and I can do this about it.”
- Integration - "This is happening and it's OK. Life goes on. What's next?"
It’s also important to note that as you work your
way through the stages, occasionally you may find that you slip back, for
example you may be at the experimentation stage and something that you’re
hopeful will work doesn’t and you slip back to frustration or depression –
however, it’s important to know that that’s OK and perfectly normal. Don’t be discouraged, know that it’s a
perfectly normal response and carry on moving forward.
Another point to note is that you should try not to
stay in any of the stages for too long. A
bit of wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself is fine and completely normal,
however, it’s important not to stay there and move through at a steady pace. Enlist
the help of friends and family to help you move through and support you as you
do.
If you do find yourself going through a particularly
challenging life event, I urge you to print this chart off and stick it to the
fridge or somewhere you can easily see it to you remind you that things will
get better. I find it’s also helpful if
friends/family/colleagues see this chart because quite often when we are under pressure,
it can affect the people around us. By
them understanding your situation and by them also being able to identify the
stage you are in, they can help you (or in extreme cases, they may not take
offence if you’re less than your normal polite self!).
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