I met up with someone recently who seems to revel in self-pity. I don’t often spend time with this person as
their negative energy can be very draining and I do make a concerted effort to
surround myself with people who are on the same wavelength as me rather than ‘mood
hoovers’ (thanks to my friend Sharon for that term) ie people whose negativity
seems to suck the very life out of you.
It got me thinking about just how ugly and unhelpful that emotion really
is. To me, it’s the epitome of Victim
behaviour (see my post of Victim versus Owner).
Self-Pitying Behaviour and Body
Language
We all know
someone who is self-pitying and at some point in our lives we’ve done it, but
when you look closely at the behaviour it invokes, its easy identify the body
language and attitude to that of a stroppy teenager. The mouth seems to turn down, the shoulders
slump or shrug and words like, “What’s the point? Nothing changes” “Bad stuff always happens to me” “My life is
rubbish” “Well that’s just typical for me
– nothing ever goes right” Typical VICTIM language.
Learned Behaviour
Self pity
is a ‘learned behaviour’ ie we see others doing it while we are growing up and
copy it or we try it and it gives us the results we need at that time. Once we learn that we get the desired result
or reaction from behaving in a certain manner, we use it over and over again in
similar situations when we want to feel the same way or want a similar result
and more often than not, we may not even be conscious of it..
However, as
we grow up, that behaviour can often become less and less appropriate, yet as it’s
become an unconscious reaction, we are seemingly not even aware that we’re
doing it, how we look when we do it or how frustrating it is to those around us.
In my
experience, self pitying behaviour is
usually used by children and adults for two main reasons:
- To get attention - behaving in a self pitying way generally produces a flurry of drama and attention accompanied by cries of “Oh how awful!” “Poor you!” “What are you going to do?” Some people learn from an early age that gaining negative attention is better than gaining no attention and carry that through to their adult lives.
- To play the victim – when we play the victim, we
seemingly don’t have to take responsibility for what’s going on in our
lives and we can openly moan about how hard done to we are. It’s easy to blame our undesirable
situation on someone or something else and therefore, feel that we don’t
need to do anything about it because it’s not our fault.
How to deal with Self-Pity
Next time
you come across someone harbouring this emotion, instead of going along with it
and sympathising or empathising with the person, why not ask them some
questions:
- What’s making you think that?
- Is that really true?
- Who would you be without that thought?
- What can you do to change things?
Asking
those types of questions usually brings the person out of victim mode and helps
them move to owner – owning their situation rather than becoming a victim of
it. I’ll warn you though; they will be
surprised if you’ve never taken that tac with them before, because they’ll probably
be expecting you to join in with their misery and sympathise with them, espcially if that's what you usually do.
If those
questions don’t help and the person is intent on continuing with their misery
and bringing you down in to it too, my advice is to either try to change the
subject or make your excuses and leave. That
may sound harsh, however, if a person doesn’t want to be helped and just wants
the attention, I guarantee that you’ll come away from the conversation feeling
worse than they ever did!
If you use that behaviour
Do you
recognise yourself as using that behaviour?
If so, instead of sinking down into those negative thoughts and
feelings, take ownership by asking yourself the 4 questions above. As self-pity is a learned behaviour, it can
be unlearned by taking back control and owning your life rather than being a
victim of it. Remember, we can all
choose what we think … it just takes a little effort.
If you feel
that you may be using self-pity as a way of gaining attention from people, try
doing things differently. Do something nice and unexpected and thoroughly selfless for someone instead, see how
that feels. You may find that it brings
much more positive attention which will not only make the other person feel great, it will also help bolster your self esteem.
If you
would like more information about anything I've written in any of my blogs or would like to speak to me
in confidence about how I may be able to help you, please do not hesitate to
contact me at info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk.
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