Listen More, Talk Less

 

It never ceases to amaze me how much of their inner most thoughts and feelings that my clients are willing to tell me.  At least a couple of times a week I must hear, “I really wasn’t intending on telling you that” or “I’ve never told another soul that”.  So what is it that I do that gets people to really open up to me in a way that they don’t with others?

Well you could say it’s because they’re paying me, but that really will only get you so far – what I do is listen and I don’t just mean that I superficially hear what they are saying, I REALLY listen with very few interruptions (except to ask pointed questions where I want to probe a little deeper).  Listening skills practiced frequently and mastered have massively positive impact on our relationships both at home and at work. 

So few of us really listen to each other, we are usually patiently (or sometimes not) waiting for our turn or our chance to have our say.  When the other person is talking, we aren’t really listening we are formulating what we are going to say next and looking for a good point to interrupt and get our point across.  Have you ever been around someone who continually interrupts?  Of course you have, it’s annoying and really quite frustrating and you don’t usually want to be around that person for long.  It can make you feel undervalued and that you’re opinion doesn't count. 
 
What happens when you actively listen to someone is they feel valued and that their views matter, as a result they will open up to you in ways you probably will never have thought possible.

Here I've listed five techniques that will help increase your listening skills if used frequently:

1.   Use positive body language

Your body language speaks volumes about whether you are interested in what another person is saying or not.  You need to appear interested by looking at the person and making eye contact.  Subtly mirror their body language, lean in towards them, nod occasionally to show that you are interested and engaged.

Closed body language (arms/legs crossed), hands in pockets and avoiding eye contact are not good listening skills.  They will effectively close the other person down and stop them from opening up to you.  You have to look interested!

2.   Stay engaged

If someone wants to talk to you, stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention.  That means turning off the TV (yes really!), turning your back on your PC, not answering your phone and not checking your phone for messages etc.  There’s nothing more annoying than when you’re trying to tell someone something important and they continue doing something else and they say something like, “Carry on ... I’m listening” they aren't listening, not really.

3.   Resist the urge to interrupt

It can be tempting to finish someone else’s sentence or to try and hurry them along in an attempt to show that you understand what they are saying, but it can come across as rude and denies that person the chance to say what they really mean.  Let them finish what they are saying in their own words.  A top tip to ensure that you aren’t interrupting is to pause a few seconds before you respond.

4.   Ask questions/test understanding

Use open ended questions, one I like to use is, “Tell me ...” people love to be heard, so asking a question in such a way that it makes the person feel valued will help them open up.  Asking appropriate questions will also help to test your understanding of what’s going on so that you don’t make up your own story about the situation.

5.   Neutralise your feelings

We cannot help people when we are judging them.  Don’t just listen with your ears, but with your eyes and your heart.  We don’t have to necessarily agree with what the person is saying, but if we can fully absorb what the person really means, we can respond more thoughtfully.  Most people don’t listen to comprehend; they listen to reply.  Don’t focus on what you’re going to say next, focus on what the person is really saying.

Your task for the next couple of days (should you choose to accept it) is to practise active listening.  Take some extra time to really listen to what people are saying, I think you’ll find it very interesting!

Jo