It's All About The Rules

 

Have you ever wondered how you can have exactly the same values as someone else, but yet you still come into conflict?  The reason for this conflict is often down to a ‘rules’ difference.

For example, I have a client who came to me because he just wasn’t getting along with his wife and it was causing problems at home and consequently he was talking his problems in to work with him.  When I started to ask about his values, he said that growing up ‘respect’ was a number one value in his household and to be respectful of others you would never raise your voice or argue, if you felt disagreed with someone, instead of getting outwardly angry you would just walk away.  They were the ‘rules’ within his family when he was growing up.

Now when I asked about how his wife feels about respect as a value, he said that she also saw it as one of her highest values and so he just couldn’t understand why they had so much conflict.  I asked him what happens when they disagree and he said, “She just wants to stand and argue about it until we sort it” – I pointed out to him that they both have the same ‘value’ ie respect, but that their rules around that value are different!  I urged him to values and rules with him wife and to come up with some of their own that they both felt were appropriate.

At the next session, he said the transformation was amazing.  He no longer felt like he was treading on egg shells and the relationship with his wife was going from strength to strength.  As a result, he was feeling much calmer and in control in work too and when he came into conflict with someone, he would figure out their ‘rules’ and was much more able to find a mutually acceptable solution.

Once we can start to see that we have different rules and let’s face it, none of them are ‘right’ they are just a jumble of thoughts, processes and programming that we’ve picked up along the way from our parents, teachers, peers etc which we adjust as we go through life.

So if you find yourself in conflict with someone, check their values – if they values are the same as yours and you’re still in conflict, it’s likely to be a ‘rules’ issue.  Work together and agree a new set of rules and see what a difference that makes to your relationships, you may uncover some interesting things about yourself and others along the way!

If you’re having any issues establishing what your values are or how to change your rules, please contact me for a free, no obligation conversation on how I can help you: info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk

Jo

Are You Scared of Public Speaking? Do You Suffer from Social Phobia?

 

Recently I have more and more clients coming to me due to their fear of speaking in public, whether it be giving a presentation as part of a job interview, standing up in front of their whole company to feedback company stats or even having to give a best man speech at a wedding – no matter what the situation, the fear and panic can be the same. 

In the last month I have helped 8 people overcome their phobia and present with confidence and authority with a 100% success rate.  In fact, not only did all 8 out-perform their wildest expectations, they actually told me that when it came to the crunch, they were excited about doing it!

So what causes us to develop these phobias?  I’m always interested in finding out how these issues develop – as I’ve already said in previous posts, the only fears we are actually born with are loud noises and falling.  When I start a session with a client I’m like to delve a little to find out where the fear may come from, not that it’s necessary to know to be able to help my clients, but I find it helps them to understand why they behave in that way when we establish the origins.  Once they can see where the fear stems from, it helps their conscious and subconscious mind to realise how unhelpful the emotion is and gives me the leverage needed to help facilitate the change. 

Fear of public speaking is actually a learned behaviour – something happened to us in the past and our brain made a link between whatever was going on around us and fear – therefore, in order to protect us from perceived ‘pain’ (see Pleasure Vs Pain) our body will sometimes do anything to avoid the pain and so we often go into full ‘flight or fight’ syndrome.  In one extreme case, my client actually fainted just before he was about to give a major presentation to his colleagues.  That was a sure fire way for his mind to protect him from the perceived threat and therefore avoiding pain.

Whilst that example is extreme, our self protection modes (which might have served us well at some point in our lives) are quite often unhelpful as we get older.  In the example above my client received far more pain from the embarrassment of fainting than he would ever have done had he just done the presentation!

Our fear of public speaking comes from many places, often it’s not actually the fear of speaking in public but the fear of being judged by others.  Many of my clients can trace the start of their issues back to the dreaded ‘reading out loud’ sessions that where conducted during English classes in school and the fear of being judged by their fellow students.  For others it can be general low self esteem or simple transference from parents who are also uncomfortable in social or public environments – they saw how their parents reacted and simply unconsciously copied it.

In my role as the coach, I help clients uncover the origins (although that isn’t absolutely essential), change any unhelpful ‘movies’ they may be running of previous incidences they have experienced (when public speaking hasn’t perhaps gone quite as well as they might have hoped), use various techniques to remove the ‘panic/fear/stress’ emotions and give them some new confidence building exercises to practise once our session is over in order to reinforce the new behaviour. 

Once the fear of public speaking has been cleared, it can open up a whole new world of possibilities.  One client was really excited that she was now able to explore a whole new side to her business - she had often been asked to train others on a range of products and services that she provides, but always felt that she couldn’t because of her fear of speaking in front of others. Her business has now taken off in a whole new direction and she is loving being able to help others whilst boosting her profits considerably.

If you have a social phobia or fear of speaking in public, what would removing that old programming do for you?  How would your life be improved?  What could you do that you’ve never been able to do before?

 

For more information on how I can help, please email me at info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk

Jo