It's All About The Rules

 

Have you ever wondered how you can have exactly the same values as someone else, but yet you still come into conflict?  The reason for this conflict is often down to a ‘rules’ difference.

For example, I have a client who came to me because he just wasn’t getting along with his wife and it was causing problems at home and consequently he was talking his problems in to work with him.  When I started to ask about his values, he said that growing up ‘respect’ was a number one value in his household and to be respectful of others you would never raise your voice or argue, if you felt disagreed with someone, instead of getting outwardly angry you would just walk away.  They were the ‘rules’ within his family when he was growing up.

Now when I asked about how his wife feels about respect as a value, he said that she also saw it as one of her highest values and so he just couldn’t understand why they had so much conflict.  I asked him what happens when they disagree and he said, “She just wants to stand and argue about it until we sort it” – I pointed out to him that they both have the same ‘value’ ie respect, but that their rules around that value are different!  I urged him to values and rules with him wife and to come up with some of their own that they both felt were appropriate.

At the next session, he said the transformation was amazing.  He no longer felt like he was treading on egg shells and the relationship with his wife was going from strength to strength.  As a result, he was feeling much calmer and in control in work too and when he came into conflict with someone, he would figure out their ‘rules’ and was much more able to find a mutually acceptable solution.

Once we can start to see that we have different rules and let’s face it, none of them are ‘right’ they are just a jumble of thoughts, processes and programming that we’ve picked up along the way from our parents, teachers, peers etc which we adjust as we go through life.

So if you find yourself in conflict with someone, check their values – if they values are the same as yours and you’re still in conflict, it’s likely to be a ‘rules’ issue.  Work together and agree a new set of rules and see what a difference that makes to your relationships, you may uncover some interesting things about yourself and others along the way!

If you’re having any issues establishing what your values are or how to change your rules, please contact me for a free, no obligation conversation on how I can help you: info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk

Jo