Coaching Explained

Who has a coach?

Most people aren’t aware what coaching is or how having their own coach could help them manage their personal and business lives more effectively.  There’s a misconception that they are for the rich and famous or are touchy feely “life coaches” who don’t really help you make tangible changes.  However, over the past 10 years or so coaching has emerged and been accepted as an integral part achieving and maintaining success both personally and professionally.

At one time, Coaches were predominantly used by sports professionals.  Think of any sports personality and you can guarantee that they have a coach or coaches, plural.  I know a Professional Golfer who has a coach to help him with his game, one to help him with the business side and a third to help him with the psychology of his game.  Coaches rarely have the ability of their clients to actually do what they do, but yet they are able to facilitate and inspire their clients achieve fantastic success.

What most people don’t realise is that the majority of ‘successful’ people, including entrepreneurs, film stars, pop/rock stars, business manager/executives and coaches all have their own coach or coaches.  Look behind most successful people and invariably you will find that they have a coach.  Coaching is no longer available to the rich and famous; it is accessible and applicable to everyone and can help you make long lasting changes in your life.

What is coaching?

Coaching means working with someone who will help you achieve tangible changes in your life.  What people don’t realise is that they have the solutions to most if not all of their own problems.  The coach doesn’t solve them for them, they are skilled at asking the right questions in order that their client comes up with the answer.  Here’s the process I use with my clients:

1. Help them clarify exactly what it is that they want to achieve (most goals fail because they aren’t ‘authentic’ goals ie they are goals that the person ‘thinks’ they should want or are someone elses goals ie their partners/ husbands/ company’s)  
2. Identify where they are in relation to achieving that goal
3. Identify any obstacles that may be stopping them 
4. Devise a step by step plan which is reviewed and adjusted at each session until the goal is reached.

I, along with most of my fellow coaches, set ‘homework’ for my clients for completion in between sessions, which ensures that they are working in a structured way using the agreed plan (No 4 above).  I find that having someone to report back to really makes you do things that otherwise you may have not done.  My clients know that they can’t turn up to a session not having completed the previous session’s homework (without having a fantastic reason) and I find that’s a fantastic motivator!  The step by step plan and the homework are keys to achieving goals.  Without taking inspired action on a goal, it will always be out of reach.

What’s the difference between coaching and therapy?

The main distinction between coaching and therapy is that coaching deals with now and the future, whilst therapy deals with the past.  A coach will rarely delve into your past as a therapist would.  That’s not to say that your past isn’t important, however, in coaching we believe that everyone can achieve great things, no matter what happened in your past.  What’s good about the past is that it’s in the past!  What coaching will do is promote a greater self-awareness and fuller appreciation of our own situations and circumstances. 

A good coach will know when to and when not to help someone.  If I’m working with a client and find that they do have strong underlying issues such as severe depression, evidence of abuse etc, I will refer them to a suitable therapist.  Once those issues have been dealt with successfully with a trained professional, I am then more than happy to work on positive goal setting and achievement with the client.  As a coach, you need to know your limitations and follow coaching ethics, thereby providing the individual the best support that suits them.

What can coaching can help you with?

Coaching can help you with a whole range of issues that you may be facing whether they are personal or business related (I find that most business issues are personal issues in disguise).  There’s nothing touchy feely about a good coach, they can really help you make tangible changes in your life.  The following will give you an idea of the types of issues I work with my clients to resolve:

• Increasing personal performance and effectiveness

• Increasing professional profile

• Career Management (eg taking your career to the next level/changing jobs/setting up your own business)

• Coping with redundancy

• Managing conflict and dealing with difficult people

• Increasing confidence

• Increasing positivity

• Increasing profits

• Managing stress

• Increasing assertiveness

• Clarifying and setting authentic goals

• Removing obstacles to achieving goals

• Achieving a work life balance

I have an innovative approach to coaching which really gets underneath the issue using a range of techniques such as NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming – I’ll go in to that in more detail in another post), transformational and traditional coaching methods in order to inspire my clients to achieve exceptional results. 

Is there something in your business or personal life that you’d like to change?

Why not consider coaching?  Due to technology being as it is, coaching no longer needs to be done face to face, it can be done over the phone, through Skype or using email.  It doesn’t matter what country you’re in, what does matter is that you are comfortable with your choice of coach and they are prepared to help you achieve real results.

If you would like information how I can help you make tangible changes in your life, please do not hesitate to contact me or go to my website for more information:

Email:  info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk

Website: www.whatnextconsultancy.co.uk 

Next week, I’ll be launching my weight loss programme – this programme REALLY works.  It’s not a diet, so you won’t be denying yourself of the foods you love, but it will supercharge your weight loss and help you change how you feel about yourself and your body.

In the meantime, I hope you have a wonderful week!


Jo

Does Your Negativity/Illness Define You?

Do you know someone who is consistently and constantly negative, they see nothing positive or good in their lives, they obsess about how awful their job is, how their friend has let them down, how they have no money etc.  They identify with their negativity so much that it seems to become who they are. 

Alternatively, have you ever met someone who seems to revel in an illness they have? They can’t wait to tell you every tiny detail of the illness, what happened at their latest appointment at the doctors/hospital, what treatment they’ve had and are having and how dreadfully it’s affecting their lives etc.  Again, they identify so closely with their illness that it almost becomes them. The two, their negativity/illness and who they are become virtually inseparable.

Both types can have a tendency to monopolise the conversation and can seem to get almost exited when they tell you how awful things are.  Worse than that, somehow they seem to have a knack of being able to provoke the ‘competitive’ side in us, and we react by getting into a competition about an illness we have or how bad our life is/has been and all the terrible things that have happened to us.

So why do they do it?  Well, in most, it seems to be classic attention seeking (of course there are people with serious psychological issues and I'm definitely not addressing those here).  Whether they realise it or not, it’s usually through a subconscious need to be loved and listened to and their dramatic tales of woe get and keep them in the spot light.  All the focus is on them, “Oh how awful for you” “Hang in there you’ll be fine” “Oh I’m so sorry, how are you coping?”  It also feeds the Victim persona really rather well (see previous post ‘Victim vs Owner’).

You may recognise yourself here (to a greater or lesser degree) either as someone who talks a lot about their illness/is consistently negative or as someone who gets in a battle about who’s illness/life is worse (we learn to do that in the playground by the way – ever remember the arguments we had as children where the kid that could end with “Well my dad’s a policeman” was the winner?)

If you identify with any of these 3 personality traits (and let’s face it, we probably all have a bit of one or all to a greater or lesser degree, I know I do!), here are some practical things you can try:

1.   Give yourself a pat on the back for recognising it!  Acknowledging emotions and behaviours goes a long way in being able to deal with them and have a better future.

2.   As you’ve read in my previous posts, we get more of what we think about, so constantly thinking, dwelling, talking, identifying with an illness or an issue(s) brings more of the same illness or issue to you.  How can you change this? Stop dwelling on it!  If someone asks you how you’re doing you say:

“It’s been tough but I’m getting there”

“My mind’s great and my body’s close behind”

“Getting better every day”



My personal favourite - "I'm great thanks!"

No matter how hard or tempting it may be to start the ‘woe story of me’, resist with all your might.  Don’t get drawn into the ins and outs of what’s happening – smile, thank them for asking and move on to talking about more positive things.  The more you practice this, the easier it will be and the more people will want to be around you.  If you do find yourself launching into your story, stop yourself and say, “but I’m feeling much better thanks”.

I have a great story to illustrate this.  I have a friend who is in her early 40s and is a single mum who was diagnosed with breast cancer just over a year ago.  From day one, she was completely matter of fact about it and didn’t give it any negative power.  Never once all the way through her year-long treatment did I see or hear her complain or moan about her situation, how unlucky she was or why did it happen to her.  We all knew it was hard for her and I’m sure she must have said some or all of those things at some point, but on the whole she was utterly focussed on remaining positive every moment of every day and beating it ‘The B*****d’ as she named it.

If anyone had ever had a reason to feel sorry for herself, it was her – did she?  Not a minute of it.  The result, a year and a bit later, she’s beaten it and been given the all clear.  She is now busy creating the most wonderful life for herself and her son and is a true inspiration.

3.   Find a better, more constructive way to get the attention you need.  Do something lovely and unexpected for your friends or family.  It could be something as simple as baking a cake, cooking a meal, taking your child to the park, calling a friend you haven’t seen for a while and listening to them for a change.  That will get you positive attention and they’ll love you all the more for it.

4.   If you find yourself getting in to a ‘tale of woe’ competition.  STOP, smile and move on – change the subject if you can.  So what if the other person wins?  Those competitions are definitely not the competitions you want to be known for winning.  Do you really want to be the one who is the most ill, has the worst luck and who more bad things happen to?  Nope, I thought not.

Now I’ve pointed these things out, you’ll probably notice them whether it’s you doing them or others.  If you find yourself in a conversation with someone who is being negative, I know it’s hard but try and steer them back to positivity, if you can’t, don’t buy in to their negativity, listen with passivity.  They’re their issues not yours.  Make sure that when you finish talking to them you immediately put yourself back in a more positive state.  Think positive thoughts, think of someone or something you love in order to stop their negativity from rubbing off on you.

Have you ever been in a good mood and then spoken to someone who has been completely negative and afterwards you’ve thought, “Oh I feel awful now.  I was in a good mood before” That’s because that individual's negativity (their ‘vibes’ if you will) have transferred to you because of the negative frequency they were on and unless you get rid of that negativity, you’ll no doubt go on to pass it on to someone else.

Well, that’s it for today enjoy the rest of your weekend.  I’m currently working on a series of blog posts on weight loss using NLP techniques and boy, does it work.  In tests the weight loss programme I’ll share with you had a success rate of 70% - normal diets have a success rate of 9%.  So watch this space.

Until then, enjoy your Sunday.  It’s another beautiful day!

Jo

PS – There are tonnes of books that are helpful for healing the body from within.  I’ll talk more about this in future posts – but if you can’t wait, I suggest you Google “The Placebo Effect”.  In the meantime, check out these books Amazon:

‘Conscious Medicine: Creating Health and Well-Being in a Conscious Universe’ by Gill Edwards

‘The Secret of Instant Healing’ by Dr Frank J. Kinslow

‘Gamma Healing: Eliminate Subconscious Limiting Beliefs, Anxiety Fear and Doubt in Less Than 5 Minutes’ by Chris Walton

Top 5 Regrets

A friend and client of mine recently posted an article she’d read in The Guardian Online about an Australian palliative nurse, Bronnie Ware, who recorded the 5 regrets of the terminally ill and included them on her blog.  Now, far from being a depressing read, it was actually quite uplifting.

As you’ll be aware if you’ve read previous posts, I attend as many workshops/seminars I can with National and International Transformative Coaches (these guys don’t just do coaching using the GROW model, they go much deeper than that ... they do what it says on the tin, they ‘transform’ lives) and one thing recurring tools that's used to creative positive changes the the participants lives, no matter whose seminar it is, is ‘If you were at the end of your life, what would be your biggest regret and if you could talk to yourself the age you are now, what would you say?”

This is actually really powerful and I often use this technique with my own clients to help them identify what’s important in their lives and what’s not.  It’s also a good start for people who know that they need to make changes in their lives but are unsure what it is they want or where to start.

The top 5 regrets which Bronnie recorded:

1.      I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2.      I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3.      I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4.      I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5.      I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

I’m always promoting the fact that happiness/positivity is a choice and by removing old patterns and habits your life can be immeasurably improved.

Exercise

Project yourself forward towards the end of your life (don’t stay there though!) what things do you think you would regret if you changed nothing?  What would you say to the ‘you’ of today about what you see?

Give it a go.  It’s a really powerful tool to bring you back to the ‘now’ and help identify what’s important in your life and what’s not.  If there are things you need to change, write them down (what gets written down gets done) and do one little thing about each one TODAY!  Big changes start with one small step.

If you would like to discuss this or any other issues I’ve raised in any of my previous posts, I’d love to hear from you.  I'd also like to hear your feedback if you actually try with exercise.

Until next time, I hope you have a wonderful Sunday!

Jo

PS Thanks to Jo.

Top Tips for Dealing with Work Place Bullying

Following on from my previous post, I promised you my top tips for dealing with a bully at work ... in no particular order:

1.   Remember – no-one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you allow them to. Thoughts are just thoughts. That’s all they are. They can’t hurt you. They are closely linked to your emotions, therefore, if you let your chaotic thoughts settle (like the snow in a snow globe), your emotions will settle down too.

2.   Work smarter, not harder. Working long hours can completely remove your ability to think rationally.

3.   Nip any behaviour you think is unacceptable in the bud. Sit down with the person (no matter how hard you find it) and tell them what behaviour you will and won’t accept. I know it’s easier said than done, but when I speak to people who’ve suffered at the hands of a bully, they all, without fail, say that not speaking up when the bullying started was their biggest regret.

4.   Tell a more senior manager, Human Resources or your Union representative what’s happening – whichever you feel the most comfortable with. Jane (the lady from the case study in my previous post) didn’t do that at the time, but she now realises that is exactly what she should have done. She was so frightened of her boss (exactly how he wanted her feel) that she was scared to tell anyone.

5.   I always recommend that you should try and deal with issues informally in the first instance.  However, if it can’t be dealt with informally, then you should raise a formal grievance. It is a legal requirement that every UK company has a formal grievance procedure, no matter how small the company is. Details of your rights under current employment legislation can be found at the ACAS (Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service) website (www.acas.org.uk).  If you do end up resigning from your job (which should be a last resort) and wish to bring an employment tribunal against the company, you won't be able to do so unless you've first raised a formal grievance and given the business an opporunity to deal with your issues. 

6.   Talk to your friends and family about it.  Don’t try to cover it up and pretend that it’s not happening.  The old adage “A trouble shared is a trouble halved” is very true.  They can help you put some clarity and perspective around the issue, something that we tend to lose when we’re in the thick of it.  However, a word of caution - friends and family will tend to just agree with you because they don't like to see you hurt.  Sometimes, speaking to someone impartially can be more beneficial (see 7).

7.   Get yourself a professional coach or talk to someone who is completely impartial who can look at the problem objectively with you and help find positive ways of managing the issue.

8.   Take some sort of inspired action. Be an Owner, not a Victim.

Last year I was asked to cover this topic on a local Radio station.  I was only meant to be on for 10 minutes, however, the station was completely inundated with calls and I ended up hosting a 'call in' which lasted over 2 hours.  This topic completely took over the whole Radio show which just goes to illustrate how prevalent this issue is. 

In summary, resigning as Jane did should always be a last resort. You should never feel forced to leave your job. If you feel that you are being bullied at work by your boss or another colleague, always try and speak to someone in authority about it. Don’t suffer in silence. It can affect every part of your life, including your personal relationships and your health and it’s so unnecessary. Don’t brush it under the carpet in the hope that it will go away, in invariably doesn’t.

 

I hope you find the last couple of posts useful.  If you’ve been affected by workplace bullying and would like to talk in confidence about it, please feel free to contact me.

I hope you have a fantastic weekend.

Jo

The Bullying Boss

I’ve recently been coaching a client who has been the victim of extreme work based bullying. She wanted me to tell her story in the hope that it may help others. I’ve obviously changed names for confidentiality reasons, but can assure you that events are exactly as she told them to me. My client’s name is Jane and this is her story ...

“With over 20 years senior management experience in a number of blue chip companies, I’ve dealt with my share of difficult people. My worst experience was with an ex-boss. He gave me 18 months of real hell. Anything and everything I did was wrong. He wouldn’t listen to me when I gave my (considered) opinion; I was cut out of any decision making; I was ostracised from his ‘inner’ circle … a little click that still makes me feel sick when I think about them. He did absolutely everything he could to discredit me and to make my life as totally miserable as possible.

I decided to leave following ‘a straw that broke the camel’s back’ moment, when I had a supposed ‘formal performance review’ with him and he told me that I wasn’t performing to expectations. I would have had a little more respect for him had he been able to give me examples of where my performance was lacking or if he could he tell me what I needed to do to improve, when I pushed him on it, he couldn’t answer me. By this point, I was totally broken. For 18 months I’d worked crazy hours under the most immense pressure with absolutely no support. I cracked. I just couldn’t take anymore.

I went home that night and informed my friends and family that I was resigning. Incredibly, everyone I told said how relieved they were! They all said (without exception) that they had been terribly worried about me as they could see the awful state I was in, not only because I’d lost a stone in weight and looked absolutely awful, but the fact that I’d all but abandoned them because I was always working. The worse his behaviour got, the more hours I would do to try and prove that I was good at my job!

Looking back, the longer I worked, the less effective and distressed I was becoming, which played straight into his hands. The next day, I went to see him and calmly told him I was resigning as I wasn’t prepared to be disrespected any longer. Strangely enough, I had never felt so calm and I could see he was totally un-nerved. In fact, he went crazy! He was extremely angry, but I wasn’t going to let this man hurt me anymore, so I told him that I didn’t want to hear what he had to say and that I’d made my mind up.

I left very unceremoniously, however, I did receive an enormous amount of cards, e-mails, flowers and other presents from my colleagues that were all totally unexpected. Over the 18 months, my boss had made me feel that everyone hated me and that they would be pleased to see the back of me … not true, not true at all. I had a lovely little leaving ‘do’ with a select crowd. As for my boss? Once I had resigned he suddenly turned very friendly (obviously very concerned about what I would tell people about him). He even left a bottle of champagne with his secretary for me … as far as I’m aware, she still has it!”

Sadly, Jane’s story is all too familiar. Work place bullying is a fact of life, but it doesn’t have to ruin your life. Bullies tend to be bullies for a number of reasons which may be conscious or subconscious:

1.   They feel threatened by you - people often feel threatened by those who they perceive to know more than them or who they think are stronger than them

2.   They are insecure about themselves and their ability and consciously or subconsciously think that you can see through their lack of knowledge/experience

3.   You make them feel inadequate and putting you down, makes them feel better about themselves


4.   They haven't realised that you don't need to bully to get the best out of people!  They were managed by bullying bosses and think that’s the way they should manage. This is usually evident in people who have been promoted to the position of manager because of their technical knowledge and not their people skills.

Sadly the person on the receiving end of bullying rarely sees any of this (which is exactly what the bully wants) and slowly their self confidence is eroded.

In my next post, I’ll give you my top tips for dealing with bullies, but before I go, I’ll leave you with a quote that I absolutely love that sums this topic up quite nicely:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Until next time, have a wonderful day.

Jo

Your Emotions Tell You When You’re Lying to Yourself

I just wanted to share something with you that I learned at a seminar I attended a couple of years ago.  I just recently came across my notes from the day and thought you may find this little snippet interesting.  The seminar was called, “If the Secret’s so great, where’s my Ferrari” run by Jamie Smart of Salad Ltd.  (Incidentally if you haven’t read The Secret and The Power both by Rhonda Byrne, then I highly recommend that you do.  They both seem a little odd and a bit ‘new age’ at first, but I guarantee that if you practice what she says – and it’s very simple – you can make some really astonishing changes in your life).

Well, I’ve found this little bit of information extremely useful and each person I've told it to since has also had an 'ahhhhhh!' moment following it ... a moment of realisation. So here goes ...

Like I’ve said in previous posts, when you say negative things to yourself, it adversely affects your emotions and you may also experience physical symptoms such as a knot in your stomach.  Well, according to Jamie those physical symptons are actually your 'authentic self' (your spirit - your higher self - the non physical part of you, whatever name you have for that essence of you that is intangible) telling you that what you’re saying to yourself is in direct conflict with who you really are.  When I heard that, I thought it actually made a lot of sense.  Those feelings are a a warning that you are not being truthful to yourself and are a sort of 'call to action' to change your thoughts to more positive ones.

Next time you notice that you're beating yourself up and making yourself feel bad, notice that negative physical feeling that you have and know that it's your higher self telling you that you're lying!  Once you start noticing it, change what you're thinking about ... think about someone or something that you really love unconditionally, smile and breathe ... notice how your feelings change and that physical 'knot' quickly evaporates ... go on ... try it ... you'll be glad you did!

See you next time!

Jo

What the Thinker Thinks, the Prover Proves

Have you ever wondered why you can search high and low for something and you can’t find it, just to have someone else find it in exactly the same place you’ve looked half a dozen times ... it was right under your nose all along? The reason for this is that your brain is wired to prove you right –‘What the Thinker Thinks, the Prover Proves’. No matter what it is that you tell yourself, for example,” I can’t find that ...” your brain immediately goes about trying to prove what you’ve just told it.

When I first heard this I thought it was it was possible but it sounded a bit ‘new age’, until I thought about a lovely bracelet that I’d lost. For weeks I had searched high and low for that bracelet ... you know the drill: under the sofa cushions; in the car; under the bed, every place I could imagine having put it and a few that I hadn’t (that was the desperation bit of me) all to no avail. Then I remembered what I had been told about the brain proving what you tell it, so decided to give it ago. I set about looking for my bracelet whilst saying to myself “I’m going to find that bracelet and I’m going to find it in the next 2 minutes”. I walked upstairs, straight to my jewellery box (which I had searched at least 15 times and even emptied everything out at least a dozen times) and low and behold, there it was!

I’ve got to be honest, it did spook me out a bit at first, but I’ve been practicing this now for a couple of years and it never fails me.  Whenever I lose anything, I think “I’m going to find that [whatever the item is] in the next two minutes” and I ALWAYS do, without fail.  It’s fantastic – you’ll never lose your keys, wallet, phone ever again.  You just have to remember to talk in positive terms.

It’s a bit like saying to your child, “Don’t drop that” then what do they immediately do?  They drop it or you say, “Mind you don’t fall” and what do they promptly do?  Fall.  What you have to do is make your sentences into positive ones like, “Walk carefully” “Carry that carefully” – their ‘Prover’ will go about proving what you’ve said ie that they can walk/carry carefully.  Give it a go and see what results you get.  When I tell my clients about this, they are amazed when they see me again.  I’ve had some fantastic stories of how clumsy children have turned into little angels and things that have been lost (and thought to be gone forever) are found.

After analysing it over the last couple of years, the scariest thing that has occurred to me about that is that if my brain has proved that I can’t find something as simple as a bracelet, what else could I be proving to myself? Imagine all the negative things that we say to ourselves...

“I’ll never get that job”

“I’m just not good enough”

“I can’t do/be/have that because ...”

According to this principle, once we tell ourselves something negative, our brain will then go about trying to prove we’re right. Therefore, by the same principle, if we tell ourselves something positive, our brains will go about trying to prove it.

There’s a quote that I’ve always loved that I think sums it up quite nicely:

“Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t – you’re right” Henry Ford

Give it a go ... once you find that item you’ve been searching for, a whole world of possibilities will open up and just think how you can transform your relationship with your kids!

Enjoy your week and happy hunting.

Jo