Are you Self-Sabotaging?

 

Have you ever thought that you may be sabotaging your own goals?  You get so far with something and then do or say something and it all falls apart?  I don’t think there’s anyone alive who hasn’t.  Sometimes clients will tell me that they know that they are self-sabotaging but really don’t know why.

I like to describe self-sabotage as misguided self-love.  If you self-sabotage, there is some part of you (usually deep in your subconscious) that is in conflict with what you are trying to consciously achieve.  Your subconscious is activity protecting you from something that it perceives to be harmful or not in your best interest. 

How do you overcome self-sabotage? 

Firstly, look at your goals.  Are they really authentic goals, something that you really want, or are they something that you think you should have?  Are they your goals or the goals of your parents, spouse, and friends?  What you may find when you dig deep is that there is a conflict between what you think you want (or what you should want) and what you really want.  If that’s the case, no matter how hard you try to achieve your goal, your sub-conscious will go about ensuring that it doesn’t happen!

If you are happy that your goal is authentic but you still find yourself sabotaging your efforts, it could be that what you desire is in direct conflict to what you actually think that you can achieve.  This conflict will be enough for your subconscious to actively go about sabotaging your efforts this can also be true if you think that you aren’t worthy of your goal.

I particularly notice this when it comes to the area of money – clients want more money, but often have negative associations to money and therefore either self-sabotage themselves on the way to getting more or actually become wealthy then lose it all through self-sabotage, due to having unresolved money issues such as being told when they were growing up that ‘only bad people make money’, or ‘money is the root of all evil’.   It’s no wonder that people self-sabotage when there are those types of old programming running in the subconscious mind.

Another common conflict is in the area of a new job or promotion.  Many people dearly want to move up the ladder and gain a coveted promotion yet they mess up the interview (even when they’ve done all the preparation humanly possible).  When this happens, I ask some particular probing questions and usually uncover that the client doesn’t actually believe that they can get/do the job or are not worthy of it!  Recognising and removing those conflicts can often result in clients achieving their goals quicker than they could have imagined.

What we have to remember is that there is a reason for everything we (or others) do, whether we realise we realise what that is or not.  The next time you find yourself self-sabotaging, ask yourself some empowering questions such as:

“Why did I do that?”

“What’s the meaning/message in this”

“What is REALLY stopping me?”

“What is really REALLY stopping me?” (sometimes asking this question twice gets a different answer the second time!)

“What can I do about it?”

“Is this the right goal for me, at this time?”

By continually asking yourself probing, quality questions to will be able to uncover what is really stopping you which will enable you to do something about it.  Sometimes just the mere fact that you’ve recognised what it is, is enough to facilitate a change.  If you recognise that you may be self sabotaging, get in touch for a free, no obligation conversation to discuss how I can help.

 

Jo

Change Your Physiology - Change Everything!

There is a massively close link between our physiology (how we hold our bodies/our facial expressions/tone of voice etc) and our emotions.  Our physiology goes far beyond our just body language and is a true indicator of how we are feeling.  In fact, our physiology and our emotions are inextricably linked that if we want to immediately change our ‘state’ (how we are feeling) we can do it rapidly through changing our physiology.

Let me explain; if I said to you, “Behind that door is someone who is incredibly depressed, tell me how they look”  You would be likely to say that their shoulders are slumped, they are looking down, their gestures are laboured, their breaking is shallow and they keep sighing.  If I said, “Behind that door is someone who is happy and excited, how do they look?” You would say that they are animated, they have a big smile on their face, they are standing up straight with their shoulders back and their tone is sharp and quick” ...  It’s very easy to guess what someone is feeling by their physiology.

Now, the fantastic thing about actually knowing this is that in any moment you can actually change your emotions by changing your physiology.  It really is that simple.  We cannot, no matter how hard we try, display the physiology of one emotion whilst feeling another ie we cannot feel depressed whilst we display positive/happy physiology.  We cannot feel tired whilst we display energic/non tired physiology, it’s impossible!

When I first came across this concept, I remember I’d done a 14 hour day and was driving home thinking of how tired I was and how much I had to do when I got in.  I remember groaning to myself and thinking, “How am I going to get all that done when I’m so tired … and I have to be up again at 5.30 am, it's 9.30 pm now and I still have loads to do!” Then I remembered about changing physiology to change my emotions.  I then noticed my body language and I was aware that I was a little slumped in my seat, with my shoulders drooped, I was frowning and my mouth was turned down and I kept huffing and puffing and I was think of the tasks ahead with dread.  I immediately sat up straight, put my shoulders back, took a big deep breath in and … smiled.

 

Wow, what a difference it made!  I felt far more energised and the tasks ahead seemed far less daunting and I’ve got to be honest, I was astonished.  Had I not tried it, I wouldn’t have believed that something so effective could be so simple.  The next morning when the alarm went off, instead of moaning and groaning and getting annoyed at the alarm, I sat up in bed, took a big deep breath in and smiled.  It was like a revelation.  I’ve always found it difficult to get up in the morning, now, I have to say, it’s a breeze.

 

Since that day, whenever I find myself slipping into any old negative physiology patterns, I sit up straight, put my shoulders back, smile and take a deep breath.  It’s so simple, but makes a massive difference.  I use it all the time with my clients too and they are astonished at how quickly they can change their state just by changing their body language, breathing and facial expressions. 

 

So here’s today’s exercise; for the next 3 days keep an eye on your emotions.  If you start to feel any negativity, observe what you are doing with your physiology and change it.  Put your shoulders back, sit/stand up straight, take a deep breath in and smile.  You’ll be amazed at how quickly you move from negativity to positivity and the more you practice this, the better you will be at it.

Trying to stay positive just through positive thinking alone is (as I know a lot of you will have found) difficult because the thing about positive thinking is that you have to think about it!  By continually adjusting your physiology when you notice any negative emotions/thoughts, will greatly help in changing those old patterns of behaviour and move you towards more natural positivity.

I’d be interested to know how you get on with this, so let me know how you get on.  You can always leave comments below or email me at info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk.

Jo