Outside In or Inside Out?

I went to a seminar a couple of weeks ago in London with two world renowned Success Coaches, Michael Neil (you’ve heard me talk about him before) and Dr Robert Holden (he comes highly recommended by Oprah Winfrey ... and she doesn’t recommend just anyone!).

I’ll discuss more about what they both talked about in other posts, but for this one I wanted to talk about a theme that ran through both of their individual pieces as well as their joint section – that’s the idea of living outside in or inside out.

Outside In

The person who lives outside in lets everything around them affect them, usually negatively.  A bit like the Victim of the Victim/Owner I’ve mentioned in another post, they feel that everything is done to them and their lives are as a result of outside influences that they have no control over.  It doesn’t occur to them that they have options on how they view outside circumstances and how think and react to them.

Therefore, they lurch from one disaster to another without realising that they have an option to change things, make things more positive and have a happier, healthier life.

Inside Out

The person who lives Inside Out is in control of their life.  Yes bad/negative things still happen to them, but they view them in a different way.  They know that they can control their thoughts (and therefore their emotions) about what’s happening and because they can control their thoughts and emotions, they are better able to deal with difficult situations.  They think more clearly and are therefore more resourceful.  They aren’t acting like a Victim ... they Own their lives.

So, how do you transition from an Outside In to Inside Out life?  Firstly, you have to come to terms with the idea that you always have a choice about how you think about a situation.  You’ve probably heard/witnessed lots of things around perception eg two people can witness the same car accident, but both recall the event totally differently – they both have different perceptions of what happened.  You may be talking to your friend about a mutual acquaintance, but both have completely different views on that person – that’s because of the way you think about them and the way you’ve interpreted how they think about you.

We all have the ability to choose our thoughts.  We can choose to see something in a negative way or we can choose to see something in a positive way.  Inside out is choosing to see things positively.  Those who live Inside Out are happier, in control, more resourceful and enjoy life more.

How would you describe your life?  Are you living Outside In or Inside Out?

Have a wonderful weekend.

Jo

How to Calm Your Feelings

Lots of people have asked me to re-post this exercise so that it’s easy to find and print. 

Use this technique when your feelings are becoming overwhelming or when you feel the need to calm down.  No-one needs to know that you’re using this method, so it can be used in lots of different situations eg in the office or in meetings or while waiting for an interview to start.  This technique is designed to centre you and bring you back to a neutral state of wellbeing by increasing the oxygen in the blood stream which causes beneficial physiological effects:

Exercise  1

Take 10 deep breaths in and out.

• One breath in and out counts as one.

• When you breath in, do it from your abdomen and not your chest – your stomach should expand as you breath in

• If you find your mind wandering and lose count, start again from 1

• Keep going back to 1 until you are able to reach 10 in one go

In clinical studies using this technique has significantly reduced feelings of stress, agitation, erratic thought processes and anxiety.

If your thoughts are particularly chaotic and you’re feeling more stressed than usual, try this adaptation:

 
Exercise 2

• Think of something that makes you feel really good – it could be your child’s smile, lying on a sundrenched beach in the Caribbean (that’s my particular favourite), walking through a meadow on a summer’s day ... whatever works for you.

• Hold that picture in your mind and make it as big as possible.  Make the colours really intense and hear the noises you would hear if you were really there.

• If it’s a still picture, make it a movie

• If it’s black and white, make it colour

• If it’s silent add sound

• Make it as big, bright, bold, colourful and loud as you possibly can

• With that picture firmly in your mind, start your 10 breaths (in and out counting as one breath)

• Now, as you’re counting, hold your movie in your mind and if you find that your mind wanders away from it (you may find this happens if your thoughts are really chaotic), bring it back to your movie and start your count again FROM THE BEGINNING!

• Every time your mind wanders, bring it back and start counting again from 1.

The first time you do this, you may find it really difficult to stay focussed on your positive picture.  But like everything, practice makes perfect.  The more you do it and the more you bring yourself back to your positive movie, the easier it will become.

So next time you’re feeling a little out of control or panicky, try one of these exercises – no-one need even know that you’re doing it and you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the results!

Have a wonderful weekend.

Jo

Managing Stress

Most of us from time to time suffer from stress to a greater or lesser degree, whether is work based stress or personal (or most commonly a combination of both), there are a number of effective ways we can deal with it.

1.    Take a break

When things start to get on top of you and you feel the stress rising, you need to remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible and give yourself a bit of distance between you and the problem.  I’ve discussed this in other posts (particularly how to manage your emotions), walking away and getting some space between you and the issue, works wonders.

 

You may think, “How the heck can I walk away, I’m up to my eyeballs here!” but even taking a small break whether it’s getting a coffee with a friend or even taking a lunch break (God forbid!) can work wonders in putting some perspective back into the situation.

 

Quite often when we are under stress, we think the answer is to work harder and longer, however, THE very most effective thing is to do take a break and let your brain re-set.  You’ll be much more effective for it.

2.    Get some exercise

I’ve said it before, exercise does wonders for releasing all those unwanted hormones that are running through your body unchecked as a result of the adrenalin that is released when we are under stress (part of the ‘fight or flight’ syndrome that we still have from our ancestors).

Exercise really does make a difference in or mental wellbeing.  It doesn’t mean you have to run a marathon.  Just taking a walk around the block will help immensely.  If you can manage just 20 minutes of moderate exercise a day, you will undoubtedly see a difference in your stress levels.

3.    Talk to someone

Don’t bottle things up.  Talk to someone whether it’s a friend, a family member, your doctor or a coach who can help you put things in to perspective.  Sometimes when we are particularly stressed, we do tend to have a skewed view on the situation.  Be honest with someone who you trust and get them to give you honest feedback.  You need to avoid the person that will just tell you what you want to hear in this situation as they can just feed your sense of self righteousness and thereby increase your stress.  You need someone who’s straight talking and can see the situation clearly and help you work a way through it.

4.    Work on a plan

When I see clients who are particularly stressed, besides talking and dealing with the emotion side of things, I will also work closely with them to come up with a plan in order to ease the stressful situation there are in that might be:

• Confidently tackling their boss or a work colleague who they are having problems with
• Discussing their workload with their boss in an effective way
• Looking at how they can manage their work life balance more effectively
• How they can communicate more effectively with those around them so that others  understand things from their point of view and help them come to a solution

     5.     Think positive thoughts

When we are stressed, we only tend to see things from our own point of view – like everything else; our perception of what is going on is only OUR perception and is rarely the reality.  If we can manage to change the way we think about things and see them more positively then our feelings will also change – again see my post on Managing Negative Thoughts for more information on why this is important and how to do it effectively.

This sounds easy and I appreciate that it is hard at first, but the more you are able to see things in a positive light, the better you life will become.

What’s the difference between people who get stressed and those who don’t?  Do you really think that those people don’t have stress situations in their lives?  Of course they do.  The difference is they think about them differently and deal with them effectively.

If you’d like to discuss any issues or situations that you are finding stressful, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Have a great week!

Jo

Take Decisive Action

Today I wanted to share with you a fantastic message that I received from Steve Chandler. Steve is a transformative coach, self help guru and author that I’ve mentioned before. He is the originator of Club Fearless www.clubfearless.net and is a wonderful source of information ... here goes:

The worried mind wakes up in the morning and projects worst-case scenarios into the future.

And, as it has been proven....to the chagrin of pharmaceutical companies whose new drugs have to perform "against placebo" and often don't ... the placebo effect (the effect of thoughts on the body) is really, really real. Really.

Thoughts of fear, dread and the worst future I can picture have me ready to NOT ACT. Or, as my friend and the coach Dusan told a room full of people last week, when he was asked what to do when you are afraid ... take DECISIVE ACTION and your fear won't matter. Take that action enough times and your fear won't exist anymore.

But most people want to get rid of the fear first. I love what Michael Neill (a friend of Steve’s, who is another Transformative Coach, Self Help Guru and author - www.geniuscatalyst.com) writes in his recent book, Supercoach:

"Courageousness is the first truly attractive emotion in that it accepts the possibility that things might not 'work out' but drives you on anyway. 'Screw it', courageousness declares, 'Let's do it.'"

There’s a book I read recently that goes along the same lines (I highly recommend it – it’s funny but actually has a fantastic message) it’s called “F**k it: The Ultimate Spiritual Way” by John Parkin and works on the premise that you ignore the excuses that your inner voice is telling you about why you shouldn’t do something and you ignore whatever everyone else’s opinion about what you want to do and do it anyway.  It’s actually quite liberating!  Parkin says that it is the perfect western expression of the eastern ideas of letting go, giving up and finding real freedom by realising that things don't matter so much (if at all).

What have you been procrastinating about lately?  What can you say “Screw it, let’s do it” to?  Whatever it is, take some inspired action TODAY! Whatever it is, just DO IT and stop thinking and feeling about it – you’ll be amazed at what you can achieve when you just let go!

Have a wonderful day.

Jo

The Goal Process

In order to achieve your goals, you first need to identify the goal and test if there are any blockers to that goal (see my previous post).  Once you’ve identified the goal and worked through the blockers you need to put a plan into place in order to help you achieve that goal.


A basic diagram that explains the goal setting process is:

1. Firstly, you need to put a timeline to when you want to achieve your goal.  If you don’t put a date to it, chances are it will never get done.  Make sure that the timescales are achievable – not too long that you lose interest and not to short that there isn’t enough time to do everything you need to in order to achieve it.
2. Identify the steps or the actions you need to take in order to achieve that goal.  Literally, list every action you need to take, in sequence in order to reach the goal.  If that seems a little overwhelming, break each step down into smaller steps – mini projects if you like – each one to be completed before you move on to the next .  The beauty of ‘mini projects’ is that you are never ‘failing’ to reach your goal, you are always working towards it. 
3. Action the very first thing on your list NOW! Don’t wait.  Do it today ... now.  According to one of the world’s leaving coaches, Anthony Robins, “you should never leave the scene of setting a goal without taking some action” Action creates momentum and sets of a chain reaction to you achieving your goal.

Stick closely to your list.  Review it regularly, adjusting and adding where necessary and crossing off items that you’ve completed.  ‘What get’s written down gets done’ so having a plan and sticking to it is the key to you achieving your goals.

 

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  If you don’t want people to know what your end goal is, you don’t need to tell them!  In fact, many coaches advise that you don’t tell people everything about your goal therefore you won’t be tempted to listen to other views on why you shouldn’t want that and how you aren’t going to achieve it.  They also won’t get the opportunity to put doubts into your mind!

 

What I’ve given here is obviously a very brief outline of how to set goals.  There are lots of books on goal setting; however, I would definitely recommend Anthony Robins, 'Awaken the Giant Within' and Michael Neill’s ‘Supercoach’ as further reading.  Alternatively, please drop me a line if you’d like to discuss setting and achieving your goals further.

 

Until next time, have a wonderful day.

 

Jo

Why Goals Fail

How many times have you made a New Year’s resolution and not stuck to it?  For example “I’m going to exercise more and join the gym!” but by the third week in January, you’ve already stopped going and that £500 gym membership sits gathering dust? Have you ever thought why so many New Year’s resolutions are forgotten half way through January?  Some valid answers could be:

 

• The goal isn’t really something you want, it’s something you (or you mum, dad, spouse, teacher etc) think you should want.  It’s not in line with your true self – what you really want from your life.  
• ‘Life’ gets in the way … “I’m too busy at work … I have to look after the kids … I’ve got housework to do” etc.  
• You set goals that you think you can achieve, rather than the goals you really want. You may perceive the goals that you’d really love to reach are too hard to achieve
• You think you should settle or compromise or you can’t have what you really want, “It’s alright for other people, but I can’t be/do/have that because ...”

Are Your Goals Authentic?

 
One way to determine whether the goal is an authentic one ie one that you really want and is in harmony with who you really are is to answer the question:

 

If you knew that you couldn’t fail, what would be your goal(s)?

Asking yourself that question usually raises some interesting answers.
When I’m working with a client on their goals, I always ask that question.  I ask it very early on, usually in the first session, if I don’t I could end up working with a client on a goal that they don’t really want.  After digging around for a bit, asking very pointed questions, the answer is inevitably along the lines of:

 
“I’d love to do ???, but ....”
“I’d love to be a ???, but ...”
“I’d love own a ???, but ...”
“I’d love to own my own company but ...”

 
That “but” is the key for me.  That’s the bit I like to work with and as I scrap away, getting right underneath that “but”, it usually comes down to one of 9 things:

• Lack of Information
• Lack of Skill
• Beliefs (“I just can’t do it ... I’ve always been told I’ll never succeed”)
• Wellbeing
• Other people
• Motivation
• Time
• Money
• FEAR

If you can identify EXACTLY what it is that you want and what’s stopping you achieving it, you’re half way there.  Once you identify the blockers (and that may mean working it through with a coach), you’ll usually find that they aren’t blockers at all and your goals will be easier to reach than you ever imagined.

So, my question to you today is:

 

"If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do be or have?"

Tomorrow we’ll deal with the process of achieving goals.  Until then, have a wonderful day!

Jo