Listen More, Talk Less

 

It never ceases to amaze me how much of their inner most thoughts and feelings that my clients are willing to tell me.  At least a couple of times a week I must hear, “I really wasn’t intending on telling you that” or “I’ve never told another soul that”.  So what is it that I do that gets people to really open up to me in a way that they don’t with others?

Well you could say it’s because they’re paying me, but that really will only get you so far – what I do is listen and I don’t just mean that I superficially hear what they are saying, I REALLY listen with very few interruptions (except to ask pointed questions where I want to probe a little deeper).  Listening skills practiced frequently and mastered have massively positive impact on our relationships both at home and at work. 

So few of us really listen to each other, we are usually patiently (or sometimes not) waiting for our turn or our chance to have our say.  When the other person is talking, we aren’t really listening we are formulating what we are going to say next and looking for a good point to interrupt and get our point across.  Have you ever been around someone who continually interrupts?  Of course you have, it’s annoying and really quite frustrating and you don’t usually want to be around that person for long.  It can make you feel undervalued and that you’re opinion doesn't count. 
 
What happens when you actively listen to someone is they feel valued and that their views matter, as a result they will open up to you in ways you probably will never have thought possible.

Here I've listed five techniques that will help increase your listening skills if used frequently:

1.   Use positive body language

Your body language speaks volumes about whether you are interested in what another person is saying or not.  You need to appear interested by looking at the person and making eye contact.  Subtly mirror their body language, lean in towards them, nod occasionally to show that you are interested and engaged.

Closed body language (arms/legs crossed), hands in pockets and avoiding eye contact are not good listening skills.  They will effectively close the other person down and stop them from opening up to you.  You have to look interested!

2.   Stay engaged

If someone wants to talk to you, stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention.  That means turning off the TV (yes really!), turning your back on your PC, not answering your phone and not checking your phone for messages etc.  There’s nothing more annoying than when you’re trying to tell someone something important and they continue doing something else and they say something like, “Carry on ... I’m listening” they aren't listening, not really.

3.   Resist the urge to interrupt

It can be tempting to finish someone else’s sentence or to try and hurry them along in an attempt to show that you understand what they are saying, but it can come across as rude and denies that person the chance to say what they really mean.  Let them finish what they are saying in their own words.  A top tip to ensure that you aren’t interrupting is to pause a few seconds before you respond.

4.   Ask questions/test understanding

Use open ended questions, one I like to use is, “Tell me ...” people love to be heard, so asking a question in such a way that it makes the person feel valued will help them open up.  Asking appropriate questions will also help to test your understanding of what’s going on so that you don’t make up your own story about the situation.

5.   Neutralise your feelings

We cannot help people when we are judging them.  Don’t just listen with your ears, but with your eyes and your heart.  We don’t have to necessarily agree with what the person is saying, but if we can fully absorb what the person really means, we can respond more thoughtfully.  Most people don’t listen to comprehend; they listen to reply.  Don’t focus on what you’re going to say next, focus on what the person is really saying.

Your task for the next couple of days (should you choose to accept it) is to practise active listening.  Take some extra time to really listen to what people are saying, I think you’ll find it very interesting!

Jo

7 Habits of People Who Don’t Worry

 

Sadly, worry seems to be an ever increasing emotion that I’m seeing more and more.  Clients often say, “I can’t sleep, I’m such a worrier ...” “I worry about everything and I just can’t seem to stop”.  As a result, I decided to look into it a bit deeper to see what it is that non-worriers do that worriers don’t.  Here are a few of the observations that I’ve made:

1.   They Focus on the present

The future hasn’t happened yet and as our brains cannot tell the difference between something that’s real and something that’s vividly imagined, we can relive our worst fears over and over again without them actually ever happening!  Focussing on the present and actions you can take rather than worst case scenarios will help you gain control over the actual situation rather than your vividly imagined one.

2.   They are more willing to take chances

What would you be, do or have if you didn’t worry?  People who don’t worry are free to take more chances because they don’t feel anxious about the outcome.  They have enough faith in their own abilities to know that whatever happens, things will always work out as they are supposed to.

3.   They have a sense of perspective

Because they aren’t projecting into the future, they are firmly in the now and are therefore able to see a situation for what it is, not what they imagine it to be.  Taking this stance is empowering and enables them to make better decisions based on what’s actually happening rather than what they imagine will happen ... often two very different things.

4.   They get to the root of the worry

 

They don’t brew over things, they look at problems in a calm and level headed way.  They find the cause and deal with it in the most effective way possible as quickly as possible, thereby potentially heading off problems before they occur or at the very least, minimising the impact.

 

5.   They have confidence that they can handle anything that comes their way

They learn by their mistakes, look at what they’ve been through in their past and know that they can handle anything.  It’s not that non worriers have fewer problems; they just have a better strategy for dealing with them.  Think back in your life, I’m sure that you’ve overcome some major difficulties and that’s just it, you overcame them and no amount of worrying probably made one bit of difference to the outcome.   

 

6.   They ask the right questions

They ask empowering, enabling questions rather than disempowering weak ones.  They ask questions like, “How can I use this” “What do I need to do to resolve this” “How can I ensure this doesn’t happen again” “What do I need to learn from this”.  I’ve spoken at length in other posts about the importance of asking the right questions click here for more information.

 

7.   They know how to manage their negative emotions

Non worriers know that if a negative emotion surfaces, it means that there’s something that needs to be dealt with and dealt with quickly.  They rarely let negative emotions settle and overpower them.  They know how to manage their emotions, think clearly and get out of any negativity as quickly as possible by asking the right questions and taking positive action.

Are you a worrier, or know someone who is?  Life does not have to be like that; you can take control of your emotions and lead a much healthier and happier life.  For more information contact me at info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk for a free no obligation chat about how I can help.

Stop worrying and start living now!

Jo

7 Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People

 

There are numerous studies that indicate (and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out) that highly emotional intelligent (EI) people perform better not only in their personal relationships, but in all areas of their lives.

Emotional intelligence makes the different between being a mediocre leader and an exceptional one; from living an 'OK' life to an extraordinary one.  We can all think of managers we’ve worked with or people we know who have exceptional IQ (intelligence quotient) but very low EI which makes for conflict, animosity and negativity. 

So where are you when it comes to EI?  Here are seven habits that emotionally intelligent people regularly display:

 

1.   They surround themselves with positive people

As high EI people tend to be of a generally positive nature, they tend to gravitate towards the same (like attracts like).  They like to be around people who are positive, energetic and optimistic.  High EI people tend to dislike being around move Hoovers (people who suck all the positivity out of them) complainers and generally negative people. 

2.   They focus on the positive

Instead of focussing on what’s gone wrong, they focus on the opportunity, how they can make things better and what they can learn from a situation rather than going into Victim mode, “why me?”.  They generally ask themselves better questions and focus on what is within their control.

3.   They are able to set boundaries and be assertive when necessary

In conflict situations, they tend to think before they speak.  They may often be seen as pushovers because of they are usually mild mannered (as a result of being in control of their emotions), however, they are able to set boundaries and assert themselves when necessary.  They manage their time and know when to say no.

4.   They are forward thinking and let go of the past

They are too busy thinking about the future then to dwell on the past.  They learn from past failures and apply that learning to their future endeavours.  They never see failure as permanent or a personal reflection on themselves.

5.   They look for ways to make life more fun, happy and interesting

High EI people know what makes them happy and look for ways to bring that in to every aspect of their lives.  They also get great satisfaction from making others happy and fulfilled, it’s not all about them and they will go out of their way to help others.

6.   They choose how to expend their energy wisely

They tend to move on quickly from conflict and don’t hold grudges.  They learn any lessons quickly and move on.  That doesn’t mean that they are fools and allow themselves to be mistreated; they move on and forget but don’t forget.

7.   Continually learning and growing towards independence

They are lifelong learners, constantly growing, evolving, open to new ideas and always willing to learn from others.  They are not set in their ways or their ways of thinking, they will change their views if another’s opinion makes better sense than theirs.  However, they will always trust their own judgement to make the best decision for themselves.

Emotional Intelligence is so important to our general wellbeing, how we deal with and manage others.  Are there any areas above that you could benefit from working on?
 
If so, contact me for a free, no obligation chat about how I can help.  Email me at: info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk or call 0333 900 7911 now!

Jo

It's All About The Rules

 

Have you ever wondered how you can have exactly the same values as someone else, but yet you still come into conflict?  The reason for this conflict is often down to a ‘rules’ difference.

For example, I have a client who came to me because he just wasn’t getting along with his wife and it was causing problems at home and consequently he was talking his problems in to work with him.  When I started to ask about his values, he said that growing up ‘respect’ was a number one value in his household and to be respectful of others you would never raise your voice or argue, if you felt disagreed with someone, instead of getting outwardly angry you would just walk away.  They were the ‘rules’ within his family when he was growing up.

Now when I asked about how his wife feels about respect as a value, he said that she also saw it as one of her highest values and so he just couldn’t understand why they had so much conflict.  I asked him what happens when they disagree and he said, “She just wants to stand and argue about it until we sort it” – I pointed out to him that they both have the same ‘value’ ie respect, but that their rules around that value are different!  I urged him to values and rules with him wife and to come up with some of their own that they both felt were appropriate.

At the next session, he said the transformation was amazing.  He no longer felt like he was treading on egg shells and the relationship with his wife was going from strength to strength.  As a result, he was feeling much calmer and in control in work too and when he came into conflict with someone, he would figure out their ‘rules’ and was much more able to find a mutually acceptable solution.

Once we can start to see that we have different rules and let’s face it, none of them are ‘right’ they are just a jumble of thoughts, processes and programming that we’ve picked up along the way from our parents, teachers, peers etc which we adjust as we go through life.

So if you find yourself in conflict with someone, check their values – if they values are the same as yours and you’re still in conflict, it’s likely to be a ‘rules’ issue.  Work together and agree a new set of rules and see what a difference that makes to your relationships, you may uncover some interesting things about yourself and others along the way!

If you’re having any issues establishing what your values are or how to change your rules, please contact me for a free, no obligation conversation on how I can help you: info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk

Jo

Are You Scared of Public Speaking? Do You Suffer from Social Phobia?

 

Recently I have more and more clients coming to me due to their fear of speaking in public, whether it be giving a presentation as part of a job interview, standing up in front of their whole company to feedback company stats or even having to give a best man speech at a wedding – no matter what the situation, the fear and panic can be the same. 

In the last month I have helped 8 people overcome their phobia and present with confidence and authority with a 100% success rate.  In fact, not only did all 8 out-perform their wildest expectations, they actually told me that when it came to the crunch, they were excited about doing it!

So what causes us to develop these phobias?  I’m always interested in finding out how these issues develop – as I’ve already said in previous posts, the only fears we are actually born with are loud noises and falling.  When I start a session with a client I’m like to delve a little to find out where the fear may come from, not that it’s necessary to know to be able to help my clients, but I find it helps them to understand why they behave in that way when we establish the origins.  Once they can see where the fear stems from, it helps their conscious and subconscious mind to realise how unhelpful the emotion is and gives me the leverage needed to help facilitate the change. 

Fear of public speaking is actually a learned behaviour – something happened to us in the past and our brain made a link between whatever was going on around us and fear – therefore, in order to protect us from perceived ‘pain’ (see Pleasure Vs Pain) our body will sometimes do anything to avoid the pain and so we often go into full ‘flight or fight’ syndrome.  In one extreme case, my client actually fainted just before he was about to give a major presentation to his colleagues.  That was a sure fire way for his mind to protect him from the perceived threat and therefore avoiding pain.

Whilst that example is extreme, our self protection modes (which might have served us well at some point in our lives) are quite often unhelpful as we get older.  In the example above my client received far more pain from the embarrassment of fainting than he would ever have done had he just done the presentation!

Our fear of public speaking comes from many places, often it’s not actually the fear of speaking in public but the fear of being judged by others.  Many of my clients can trace the start of their issues back to the dreaded ‘reading out loud’ sessions that where conducted during English classes in school and the fear of being judged by their fellow students.  For others it can be general low self esteem or simple transference from parents who are also uncomfortable in social or public environments – they saw how their parents reacted and simply unconsciously copied it.

In my role as the coach, I help clients uncover the origins (although that isn’t absolutely essential), change any unhelpful ‘movies’ they may be running of previous incidences they have experienced (when public speaking hasn’t perhaps gone quite as well as they might have hoped), use various techniques to remove the ‘panic/fear/stress’ emotions and give them some new confidence building exercises to practise once our session is over in order to reinforce the new behaviour. 

Once the fear of public speaking has been cleared, it can open up a whole new world of possibilities.  One client was really excited that she was now able to explore a whole new side to her business - she had often been asked to train others on a range of products and services that she provides, but always felt that she couldn’t because of her fear of speaking in front of others. Her business has now taken off in a whole new direction and she is loving being able to help others whilst boosting her profits considerably.

If you have a social phobia or fear of speaking in public, what would removing that old programming do for you?  How would your life be improved?  What could you do that you’ve never been able to do before?

 

For more information on how I can help, please email me at info@whatnextconsultancy.co.uk

Jo

5 Christmas Stress Busters

During some recent coaching sessions, a number of my clients have expressed some dismay at the amount pressure they are under due to the 'ever increasing expectations' being put on them during the festive season.  With that in mind, I thought it pertinent to share some stress busting techniques for gaining and maintaining control over the Christmas period:  

1. Don't have inflated family expectations - We all know the family members who are always able to push our buttons, especially when we’ve made a massive effort to make their Christmas special.  Take regular deep breaths and remember they mean well and for those who don’t, well where is it written that you have to invite them next year? Ridding your life of life’s ‘mood Hoovers’ is the best gift you can give yourself.  
2. Learn to say ‘No’ - You can't please everyone, so why try? This is the season when people tend to throw more parties, arrange more events, make more demands on your time than at any other time of the year. If you don’t want to go to something, just say no, spend your time where you want to not where others think you should – they’ll get over it.
3. Don't follow the crowds - This is just common sense: Fighting for parking spots, waiting in long queues, feeling suffocated by the in-a-hurry masses - none of that is conducive to living a calmer life, it simply raises your stress level and wastes your valuable time. Don't hit the shops at peak shopping hours, shop online, visit small local merchants who gift wrap for free.  
4. Don't entertain in a way that is more work than fun - We love to cook and have people over, but it really can pile on the pressure especially at this time of year.  Don’t be afraid to ask people to bring a side dish or dessert or even a main course and as for the clean-up, learn to say "yes" when your guests offer to help. Four hands in the kitchen gets the job done twice as fast as two.  Or if you want to do everything yourself, choose simple menus – people are coming over to see you, not just to sample your culinary skills.
5. Plan, plan then plan some more - One of my favourite sayings is 'fail to prepare, prepare to fail' - make lists and have plans - get as much done as early as possible.  In my experience, stress can be caused or contributed to by a lack of planning and foresight ie leaving everything to the last minute and not having clear plans.

 

If you need to transform an area of your life or business or you simply require some clarity around your goals, call me now for a free, no obligation chat about how I can help you.

Have a fabulous Christmas and a prosperous New Year.

 

Jo

3 Ways to Transform Your Life

Through the continual coaching I do with my clients and from my never ending research and learning, I have noticed that there are 3 simple things that happier, more focussed and successful individuals do differently to otheres:

 

1. Stop trying to please other people - As we grow up, we are conditioned to please others – mum/dad/siblings/teachers etc. This kind of programming becomes engrained and displays itself in our adult thoughts, actions habits and behaviours.  Take a look at the things that you are doing right now – are you doing them because you want to, or to please someone else? 
2. Stop comparing yourself to others - Have you ever heard of the ‘Iceberg’ model, where what we see from a person’s outward appearance is only a fraction of what is going on underneath? Whilst other’s lives might look idyllic, we rarely know what’s really going on.  We all have our own paths to follow and lessons to learn – by comparing ourselves to others, we are often comparing ourselves to what we ‘think’ we see rather than what’s really going on.  Be your own person and focus on your own journey rather than what others are doing.
3. Stop looking for permission - If you’re always looking for permission from others before doing something, maybe it’s time to stop.  So many people stop themselves from doing things that they’d love to do because they are constantly looking for validation.  Here’s the thing ... you don’t need anyone’s permission ... JFDI – ‘Just Flippin Do It’ and take control of your life NOW!

If you want to transform an area of your life or business or you simply require some clarity around your goals, why don't you call me now for a free, no obligation chat about how I can help you, because your life can be how you want it to be!

 

Jo